talks about love
and doesn't sound like a war cry,
or write a letter sent with the hope
of receiving one in return.

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there are two things we don't joke about in my family -
1. cancer
and
2. love
both of which we've watched
turn years of building to dust,
crumble families to breathing particles
and
reduce the strongest souls to
mere flesh and bones.

there are two things we don't joke about in my family -
cancer and love.

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writing isn't always easy
or pretty
or cathartic.

on some days,
writing is a battlefield
and you're a wounded soldier.

you're the dying
and the healer.

on some days,
your writing isn't meant to save the world.
it saves you
and that's enough.

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We unknowingly carry a lot of information
from our pasts to our futures.
I still remember the phone numbers
of people I haven't spoken to in years,
the kind of tea they enjoyed
and the writers that changed their lives.
On most days,
I don't know what to do with this information
but it feels nice.
It reminds me of all the places I've been to
and the ones I'm yet to explore.

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a fire extinguisher on fire,
a broken ambulance,
a wall clock without batteries.

My home is my saviour,
but on days it isn't,
it's a bombshell, a crime scene,
an injured war veteran -
and on those days,
i'm left wondering
who saves the saviour?

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when i say that i'm a memory hoarder
what i mean is that
i hold a reputation of cramming
fragile memories in plastic boxes,
squeezing different addresses
in a single envelope,
trusting candy wrappers and
shopping bags
to bear the weight of unsung days
and
sliding palm sized pictures in heavy books
kissing untouched pages.

i name long drives after playlists
and recall dates by outfits.
it's funny how i paralyse
every moment from the past
to keep it close to me -
in closets and albums,
in flowers and rhythms,
anywhere but in my heart.

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some days
it takes efforts to breathe
or do my laundry
or remember to eat.
I'm not sad
but sometimes i wish
my chest was more room
and less guilt,
so that my heart could
know how it feels
to be home.

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i think i will be fine.

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