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talks about love
and doesn't sound like a war cry,
or write a letter sent with the hope
of receiving one in return.

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there are two things we don't joke about in my family -
1. cancer
and
2. love
both of which we've watched
turn years of building to dust,
crumble families to breathing particles
and
reduce the strongest souls to
mere flesh and bones.

there are two things we don't joke about in my family -
cancer and love.

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a fire extinguisher on fire,
a broken ambulance,
a wall clock without batteries.

My home is my saviour,
but on days it isn't,
it's a bombshell, a crime scene,
an injured war veteran -
and on those days,
i'm left wondering
who saves the saviour?

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when i say that i'm a memory hoarder
what i mean is that
i hold a reputation of cramming
fragile memories in plastic boxes,
squeezing different addresses
in a single envelope,
trusting candy wrappers and
shopping bags
to bear the weight of unsung days
and
sliding palm sized pictures in heavy books
kissing untouched pages.

i name long drives after playlists
and recall dates by outfits.
it's funny how i paralyse
every moment from the past
to keep it close to me -
in closets and albums,
in flowers and rhythms,
anywhere but in my heart.

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some days
it takes efforts to breathe
or do my laundry
or remember to eat.
I'm not sad
but sometimes i wish
my chest was more room
and less guilt,
so that my heart could
know how it feels
to be home.

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i think i will be fine.

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My mind hosts more answers than questions.
.
"I'm fine."
"It's not the right time."
"Pastels are underrated."
"Maybe they do, maybe they don't."
"Reading the same book after a year is like reading a new book for the first time."
"You don't laugh at the same joke twice. Unless it's the person you love who's cracking it."
"It was the way he asked me to read poetry to him, by the sea, at 2 in the night."
"Fiction is unexplored reality."
"I wear a nose ring more often now."
"I fall twice as much as I stand."
"I don't think I'll ever learn from my mistakes."
"I never learn from my mistakes."
"I don't want to learn from my mistakes."
"It wasn't a mistake."

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Whenever i find myself struggling to write,
I read and read and read
sometimes for months without producing anything on paper,
and eventually I find words come to me
Oh so effortlessly!

I'm currently reading "The man who mistook his wife for a hat" by Oliver Sacks.
What about you?

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