It is starting to feel like you said you loved me with your fingers crossed.

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Trust is that seed that I've nurtured so much and I've done everything to earn it's growth. But you own that seed and even after all I do, according to you there will be no green of leaves in sight.

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I think of everything being perfect
Two souls suited for each other
Flames burning hotter than ever
But on the other end of the line your thoughts are completely different
You don't see us the way I do
And I am at fault according to you
I really can't do anything about how you think
Because you can't buy trust or beg for it
And even after I try to do everything right, according to you I've not earned it.

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I wouldn't have climbed this far if the journey wasn't important to me.
But you don't trust that I want to do this with you, instead you think all of my actions are laced with lies.

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Loneliness is having someone you love and would do anything for, but you know they won't do the same for you.
The loneliness is deceiving because it makes you feel like you also have someone but on the flip side there's no one there.
Just the emptiness of a constantly stabbed heart. No pulse, no love.

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Trying to ignite a ticking time bomb
To you all of my words carry a spark
Ready to set you off at anytime
Honest conversations with you isn't supposed to turn into an explosion of flames
But one where you know that you're someone I can always be vulnerable with everything
Because I trust that you get and understand me
Instead it's the other way round
And each time I want to shut out completely to avoid seeing everything go up in flames
It's toxic I know but even with the hurt
I want to believe that what it's starting to make me feel like is not who you really are.

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Is the emptiness of a constantly stabbed heart. No pulse, no love.

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I just want a day where everything starts sunny and doesn't end in pitch black darkness, where my heart is too heavy to carry and my insides are flooded with the pain from your words.

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Is it that I don't know how to love or I'm doing something different
I do everything right but there's always something that'll cause a fight
Fights are bound to happen but not when you throw words as sharp as knives
I try to convince myself that it's all fine
But times like this makes me doubt if I'm right
It's a repeated cycle that is starting to be toxic
Over and over again you do it and each time it hurts even more.

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When you think of a playlist, what comes to mind is a collection of songs. Sometimes of similar genres and other times just a mix of random genres. It solely depends on choice—what you like and what you want to put down, what you enjoy listening to, or a playlist according to mood and feelings. But what I was holding with me was nothing close to that type of playlist. The expression on my face showed nothing related to having fun or enjoyment; instead, my heart sank deep into the pit of my stomach. I couldn't believe it. It's even more unbelievable that this has been tucked away here for months and that this piece of writing held so many answers regarding the recent change in behaviour and mannerisms. All the nights I have cried and felt unloved—the unanswered questions that filled my head, making me feel dizzy and questioning my thought process. I didn't realise that I had dropped to the ground. The tears spilling out were not even bringing out half the pain I felt sitting in that position with the writing in my hand. I was just a pawn in this whole game that was currently being played.


Full story in caption.❤

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