Who are you at 4am sadness?

The one that seemed fine at 3:59am & not the very next moment?
Since when did Silence seemed so loud &
Being together felt so lonely!
Good were those days of 4am walks on street, now turning to bittersweet memories of 4am Emptiness
Warm were the hugs before, which seems like a cold distant affair of bodies now
Holding on so tight never made Letting go easier
Wonder if you are holding onto the rope or it just me clinging onto Hope?

Because 4am sadness is no longer a phase anymore but a warm grizzly hug of Melancholy & Memories,which doesn't seem to end now

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Drowning in sorrows or floating in darkness
Wondering which one is better
Because that's what you are always left with!
Vulnerable within
Strong outside
How long can I put up this fight?
Do I need to fight always?
Who will fight for me?
Or is it too much to ask? May be it is..
Was I foolish enough to know it already that there's no one to catch you in this "Trust Fall"?
And reality hit really hard!!
Eventually & Finally, yet again we proved Love was never enough.
Maybe I wasn't enough.. will I ever be??
The journey to prove everything that I am worth something/someone, is shallow in itself!!!
Only if things mattered to you, would have made a difference. But then the question is Did anything ever matter?
May be we wil never know until we cross our paths again with Naked Souls, Raging Anger & Burning Desire to Forget Everything!!

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Days changed to months changed to years.
People were replaced but void was always irreplaceable
As hard it was to believe
Closure was always away as much as i was,from truth.
That it still bothers, it still feels, it still exists because it always did
Assumed I'd healed but my scar reminded,
Of who am I & what do I deserve!
May be I shall always reserve it for the one who deserves it!
Till then I shall admit & accept healing is messy
It's okay to fail again
Until we wanna try once again...

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Anticipating strongly.
But Mind blowing up
Trying to divert,
But holding on too strong,
To make things look normal outside.

War brewing within
Shackled to fear
Might fail and will be shamed

Walls are closing up
Heartbeat drum rolls
Can't get over this anxiety Even with deep breaths
Lump in throat makes crackling sound

Worsens the feelings
With no one to behold
Weakens me
Praying the rapid heartbeats
Won't explode anytime
Uncontrollable shiver
Running across the spine
Shutting down every organ

Or just my thoughts
Will I ever get over ?
Or shall it consume me?

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So it was all over long back
Or I thought so?
It was long gone
Until it hit you again
The gush of emotions
Like a storm full of hailstones
Hurting and breaking and tearing you apart all at same time
Past had washed away the regret with time
But it was time for the guilt to visit again
I failed to admit that it was not over yet
Or was it?
It's messy. It's hard. It's hurtful
Closure is definitely difficult
And healing is never easy
Void exist inspite of moving on
Holding onto Hope is much harder than it looks like!
Or Is Letting go easy?
Maybe we'll realise only when we do
Pulling myself together,
Till I hug the truth
Embrace the fear
Kiss the Void
Accept the Past
Let go off everything whole heartedly
Until I can breathe again without hurting myself more

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Restlessness building up
Rushing towards the unknown
Falling and Trembling and Tumbling and Tripping
Swollen feets find hard to move
Like the unchoosen path as your destination
Lump in your throat
Lump in your chest
Making it hard to breath
Survival just seems like impossible
Foggy minds with baggy bodies
Seems like a dearth of life within
Hiding from my shadows of fear
Holding them tightly around
Can I let go off these ?
Every passing seconds gets me closer to the unknown
Unsettling panic righteously does what it's best at
Shades of change unnerve the faith shallow and deep

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Have you ever succumbed to the fear of not being enough.. ever?
The thoughts jostle your mind
Impair you with silliest doubts
Break you with random rants
Provoke you to the unsettled anxiety
Leaving you nestled in the arms of self doubt
Crumpled self confidence leaving you empty within
Only to fill you with thoughts pricking every breath
How do you accept that you are enough for yourself?
Are we entitled to graciously follow through this path of impediment, just because we failed?
Do we deserve to accept that the imposter is well within us?
This shallowness & unkind restlessness fails to leave
The utter relapse of sanity arouse a sense of fragmented belief
The void fills up with the stillness of silence, that roars high, and high ,and higher
And the melancholy of loneliness is back again to warm our soft cold heart with the notion of holding it strong together.. again; only to be broken,again..

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The silence that roars sky high
The heart that's filled with emptiness
The love that lacks attachment
The void that's filled within ourselves
Takes us to places unknown

The journey that's sealed our fate
With expectations unmatched
Shall we hold on or is it better to let go?
This web of mixed thoughts holds us tight within

Can we breathe a sigh of relief?
What if it's too much to bear?
Do I deserve this?
Is it enough?
Is it right?
Who can answer this with ease?

And once again my thoughts are flooded with hints of anxiety & bumps of stress!

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Amidst this chaos in life.
It feels like life has come to a standstill
No breeze of life around
Being alive feels so dead within
Bewildered thoughts makes no exceptions
Leave you alone as you were before

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Kisi jagah kho kar, apne aap ko paana hai
Kabhi ulajh kar, apne aap ko suljhana hai
Taqdeer aur Umeed toh bewajah hai
Kisi aur ki aankhon mein doobkar, khud ko bhul jaana hai

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