You scream into the void and it sings you back a lullaby.
Apologies are my intestines twisted into tiny balloon animal figures. I hand them out to people walking on the sidewalk like cheap pamphlets, and when a stranger takes one in their hands, I dissolve in them like a tablet in my mother’s feeble mouth, trapped under the guise of a remedy that’s going to save her soul. The child in me does not understand rage. It understands the sound of doors slammed shut, its heart thrumming against its walls, pieces of glass scattered across the floor like the stars it could never identify in the sky and countless meals that feel too stale for the gaps between its teeth. Because an apology is the underside of my tongue that screams anger in a few hundred languages but speaks sorries in a million more. It is the C section scar on my mother’s belly that she rubs with aromatic oils, muttering a silent prayer for her children who carry heavy schoolbags on their backs wearing sackcloth and ashes. My heart and the world don’t fit each other so I wrap it in a page of the Times newspaper with obituary columns and dissolve into the crowd.
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