"are you going to leave?" she whispered more to herself than him
"yes"
"leave for good this time."

-

when you've hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up

-

I'm falling and falling
into this deep abyss
this nothingness that surrounds me
isn't peaceful
this feeling inside me
isn't peaceful
I'm an anxious mess
pulling away
then calling again
my memories are beautiful
and i go brain hopping often
to re-live those memories
but then comes knocking
the monster
the monster of my head
and I'm trying to escape this broken self
but this nothingness that surrounds me
isn't something that would let go
let me go i yell
let me float away
wishing i would be free is in all my waking breaths
but the nothingness that surrounds me
isn't something that i can tame
I've tried everything can't you see?
what choice do i have
but to accept it
this nothingness around me
demands of it
it'll be better i hope
until then
it's just me and this nothingness

-

these animals around you
will snatch and eat you
will gnaw at your confidence
will nibble at your ego
you're not supposed to speak
your voice is a crime, ergo
keep your head down
cover up your parts
do not let these clowns see your frown
do not let these clowns see the cracks in your smile
shut up
shut up everyone
my life is my own
i don't care about these monsters
i yell and groan
my voice is lost
lost among the mess of bodies
desperate, helpless and damsel in distress
there are many many stories
raped and thrashed
burnt and killed
a lover's acid splash
her needs unfulfilled
compared to a Goddess
yet she never finds solace
HA
she laughs at the irony
way from up above
the Goddess on her tiger
who they preach in the temples
the goddess on her period
who they won't let enter
and the daughter on her death bed
who they call a liar
Goddess she is none
her head and the gun
that is the story of a woman
that is the story of her

-

I'm sitting at our favourite place
or was it yours
i don't really remember now
it doesn't really matter now
the weather is amazing
the breeze is hitting my face
it feels nice, i realise now,
why you liked it
i know it's all my imagination
but i think it brings your cologne with it
i must be crazy right?
the sky is full of stars today
i can see the Orion's belt
but I don't know how to look for the whole constellation
i wish i listened to you
when you talked so enthusiastically about all the stars
but i stared at your face
how could i look at others
when you were my brightest star?
but i did listen to some
Alnilam, Mintaka and Alnitak
i hate that i know that
and i hate that now that i look up in the sky and its not just stars
it's a part of us
and i hate that I can't even enjoy the night breeze without thinking about you

-

i know it's over
i know you're done
i know you look away when i smile
i know now it doesn't seem worth your while
you don't steal glances at me now
is that how much you hate me now?
hell i don't even remember the last time you looked at me
really really looked at me
when I'm on the bed, naked
you're not eager to join me
and your eyes seem so vacant
i don't even remember the last time you smiled
really actually smiled
let alone at me
you're not excited for your favorite dish anymore
I'm making it for you
and you don't like that anymore
i can see that you're thinking about leaving
i can see you looking for an escape
you don't see a future here
and i know you're ready to scrap
you don't say you want to get away
but your mood always seems grey
i can listen to your whispers
through the walls
through your eyes
through your body
i can see all your lies
just tell me that you want to walk out
walk out on me
I'll take that hit as well
because its nothing new to me

-

im a glass
you broke me
no your licking won't fix me
your tongue is no glue
but it will hurt you
bleeding and bleeding and bleeding
it cuts you
slowly and slowly and slowly
it poisons you
your blood is on the pieces
it is covering a million different places
a drip on my heart
a drop on my soul
and a lot on my hands
you look at me
as the life slowly leaves you
dropping onto the floor
you're crawling
i can hear your name calling
but it doesn't affect me anymore
you can play with the blame
but i won't fall for your game
as i look at your lifeless body
but I don't see anybody
anybody i used to know
and now i know
i'll go manic over the thoughts of you
and you'll be in all my nightmares
you're gone, but
you'll be alive in my mind
the thoughts would be maligned
i'll slowly collect the tiny pieces
i'll live my life somehow
cause nothing in the world can stop me now

-

why can't i just take your hand and take you with me
people say talking is important
but no baby
talking is overrated
silence, well our silence is the winner
let's go somewhere
i promise it'll be calm over dinner
maybe we'll look at all those sunsets
or we'll just sit at the rooftop smoking cigarettes
oh how good it would it be if nun of us spoke
i'll look at your face over the smoke
under the moon
maybe we'll both smile
and maybe we'll both be at peace
i would hold your hand
running circles on your wrist
all the doubts would exit
maybe i'll give you a hug then
listening to your steady heartbeat
i would feel complete
maybe i'll kiss you then
touching your lips
words at that time would just be an ellipse
silence is golden
but with you
silence is everything

-

i cut myself after years today
when i stopped I did not know why i did it in the first place
but now
this feels like home
the familiarity to feel something
something apart from this emptiness
this numbness that is now me
i can't pick myself apart from this
because it is me
well today i felt pain
after a very long time
and it felt nice, bittersweet
i let out what i was feeling
i can't hold it in any-more

-

my life is falling apart
i feel like im not sure of anything
i dont like what im doing
im not satisfied with my work
im not satisfied with the output
and im definitely not satisfied with myself
i dont know what happening
i cant get the fear over my head
that whatever is happening is ever going to end
i sleep feeling like tomorrow will be a good day
but when i wake up the next morning
im not refreshed
im not feeling different
im not doing anything different
its the same cycle of feelings
i want this to end
im exhausted
i do t have energy to try
not anymore
im done
done with this life
done feeling like this
im crumbling slowly
my existence is ending slowly
i dont feel like calling anyone because how can they help?
i dont feel like reaching out to anyone
because what can they do?
but
please
help
me

-