Structure of my life and
dreams were welded by
those invisible lesions...
Each lesion have
different story to share...
Different magical
experiences and lessons
to my life.....
The same lesions, remind
me the time in which life
failed miserably while
trying to break me....

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Sleeping with an ant is better than chronic pain. 

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~ My Life Diary ~

My diary consists of everything but more of blank pages. Pacing through life carrying good, bad, bitter, sweet, emotional, romantic, fearful, horrific, astonishing, modest all kind of stories. All my life I was dancing like a mermaid in a style of a ballerina. Having gentle moans, piercing screams, heart melting momemts. For the last time I wiped a tear from his lash and everything falls apart. There were love which was rolling down, some chronic memories were ready to make us depart. I lost him. My life was so beautiful but its panorama has changed. It was like an alluring rainbow, which hues fades away. That pain peel off the wall of my heart, leaving a scar, non visible for all. I hid all my secrets in my two ardent lips. My withering heart singing dreadful melody on repeat. I started sewing again my scattered past. I fell in love again with a broken heart, so I got to know broken is beautiful & faithful. He gave music to my rhythmic words. Now he started understanding me more than myself. Because he don't only laugh with me, but his eyes cried for me, with me. He says I have high hope we will live together forever. And this belief is enough for my survival...

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Each time the pain increases, the "unbearable" sets a new record...

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In order to live up to the expectations of people I started giving excuses to my illness by ignoring the physical pain I felt and by considering my desire to take rest, not to be fatigue but laziness. May be, now my body is taking revenge for my constant ignorance...

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She woke up the morning after and noticed that her stomach hurt even more. She felt it!!!
She felt the pinching precarious pain hitting her every now and then.
She lay on the bed. Stand still!! But he kept hitting her - the untamed ghost of a sharp knife that led her into her subconscious.
She eventually fainted!! There were couple of phone calls meanwhile.
In 8 hrs, she checked her phone.
She deleted her contact list once and for all.
Who would like to date a perpetually sick girl?
Who would like to date someone who can’t give you what you deserve?
She liked him too much to drag him down with her...
...That gave her the strength to let him embrace his freedom.?

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Sometimes I think if I was unable to express my feelings through words, how it would have been ? Would I have even been able to handle the pain for this long or would I have been perished long before!!! This thought sometimes makes me keep going. The moment I think about the people dealing with extreme levels of pain and unable to express, I get chills. So sometimes I used to feel grateful for what I had and eventually I learnt to live with it, learnt to do normal activities always with a smile while ignoring the pain. But when the pain is intense as if whole of my brain resides in the painful areas of my body, all I can think of is the way to survive pain the next day but nothing else...

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I am tired of listening that it's all in my head. I also believed for a while that "may be everything is in my head". The real problem is, I don't have a single medical term to define my pain, that doesn't mean it's all in my head. It's not the pain in a single part of my body but it's the complete amalgamation of pains in different parts and of different kinds. It's the kind of physical pain which does not have a single name to define it yet. So some people think it to be psychological, but it's not. Sometimes I desperately want a name, a single medical term which can completely define all my conditions together at once. I don't know whether the exact word has not been coined yet or is it yet to be diagnosed ! I often feel like whole of my pelvis is inflammated. There is not a single spot left where I did not feel burning and It is happening 24×7 since 2 years. And now the struggle of naming it still continues, and I just hope that I would come up with a relevant name soon. Fingers crossed...

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The ability to express pain varies from person to person. There are so many people around you, whom you never know, are handling pain 24×7. They just don't express it always. So never compare pain, of yours with others or others with yours. Because you can't look inside them and you have no idea, what conditions they are going through. Your comparison/comments/judgements are not gonna relieve their pain but instead, will increase it manifold. So if you can't help, then at least never hurt them with your words.

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The best thing we can ever learn in life is, "how to make peace with our pain".

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