Yesterday, I saw a puppy dying in front of my eyes in the morning. It disturbed me a lot while going to college. That day I took a pilot and I reached half an hour early before the class. I was sitting idle. That's when I realised, why certain things are the way they are. Half an hour is filled up when I walk to college. As the day commenced it got better. A bit tiring yet it ended well. I never like anyone taking pictures of me, they are hardly good ones. While coming back home I was wondering who would ever click good pictures of mine. I was just fine with it. But I don't know why what I wish comes true. I met a friend of mine on another bus and she randomly caught a picture from an angle, that was sunkissed. I thanked her. Sometimes people come as just a well-wisher in your life or someone who would make you smile.
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Right now I'm walking through the 2km road. It's 2 o clock in the afternoon. The sun is up and rays are tanning my skin. This is nothing. I go back to you, when I said, I turned into ashes as your flames burnt me down. I don't expect things from anyone. I got a friend who can drop me at the bus stop if I asked. But it's an assumption, she never said. I am trying to turn this routine into a habit. You never feel bored brushing your teeth. I'm trying to do that. Although I'm halfway there now and I think why did you love someone else? Of all those things I learned from you, one important thing was not expecting. Still aches the same when you said it. Today, I heard my friend talking over her friend telling him to listen to her. I know it reminds me of things. The sun is blazing on my skin, I feel too warm in this winter top. Perhaps this is what happens when we overpour tea into a cup, it burns the hand you had given to help.
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°Favourite Moments of 2022°
Some quintessential gestures like giving a hand when you fell, walking beside you and protecting from the vehicles on the road, trying out new things, getting connected by music, creating something beautiful, long walks with your favourite person, simple yet caring words like 'Text me when you reach home.' 'Please be careful.' Silly talks, being yourself, someone dropping you at the bus stand and picking you up. Morning coffee with your best friend. Taking a break, performing in front of the crowd, attending a live concert, writing, meeting your favourite author. Giving your first Interview, travelling by eight buses in one day, someone's smile making your day, your brother always there to listen to you, Dad saying, 'I will pick you up don't worry.' Finding gratefulness in these little moments. Feeling of being lucky to have beautiful people around me.-
When you will fall in love you wouldn't even realise it's love, you'll say it's just a friendship kinda love that you feel for them. When you fall in love, you'll feel safe with them, you'll be yourself with them and you'll be happy around them but won't even realise what's making you so happy. When you fall in love, you'll love their soul first and never their looks. You'll think you don't love them by their physique and that would be the best kind of love you'll ever feel, only from your side. So how do we know if we love them before we lose them? Ask someone about it. Cause once you lose it, there's no going back to it.
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Days have turned, the new place is now a routine and strangers have turned into friends, but still, this bus surprises me. And I never ask why. I have found people who vibe with me. Some of them understand me. Some of them are not just a listener but converse with me. The kind I longed but it's still new. Out of my comfort zone. I'm not forcing things or new acquaintances. It's going at its pace. These days perhaps these people will make me forget people and things I had to hold on to.
Places I have travelled through this bus, maybe my feelings were to be confessed on this bus but they are just shared today with someone else. I'll find time and it may blend well and rhyme with my life. I'll meet my Uncle and have a plate of Gobi Manchurian. I mean I was supposed to but then I didn't call him and he perhaps won't have made it. Why do we hold back what we want to say? Is it what's after that which stops us or is it a past that regret doing that?-
A lot about buses fascinates me, the conductors especially. I was bugged by parents saying 'Go to the bus stand from college, don't walk 2km simply.' Finally today I was able to do it, not because I wanted to but it just happened. Don't force things forward, everything happens when it comes. Honestly, today was my first poetry performance in my college and I performed a ghazal, what surprised me was many few people knew what an English Ghazal was. Even our Sir complimented me. Ohh! We got off topic, the bus is too fast, I am getting dizzy. Of all the buses I stepped on there wasn't any kind of conductor who had this sarcasm.
He was modernised, spoke in Hinglish and the commuters were his audience. I liked how he just was free and bold enough to make people laugh taking their names but fewer people do that.-
I saw an Eagle sitting on a branch which was half trimmed among fields surrounded by saturated water. In a fixed posture. It was an amazing sight. Sometimes I feel like I should get my license as soon as possible so that I won't be travelling on a bus time and again. But this journey has a special place in my heart. Many of the nicest conversations happened were on the bus, one of the imaginations was to sit beside you. I honestly felt how you felt when you said,
'I wanted to sit beside her.' There were days I imagined both of us sitting on the bus. But time flew away and my love faded either. I don't know what makes you love someone truly. But if I ever loved you or I wouldn't confess it to you. Now I say that's life and leave it there.-
Today I finally stepped on an electric bus. Thanks to my friend. I was just at the bus stop when we saw it coming. We thought it wouldn't stop but gave it a try. It was a fully air-conditioned bus. I had only heard from my sibling that it travels smoothly and you cannot hear any noise. It was cold and calm. I did a little yay-first-time-electric-bus-travel kinda expression and everyone around looked at me. I got a seat. I had no idea what stop it was or the outside view. Someone was watching crime petrol there, no thoughts to ponder upon and half of the people were asleep, although it was calm something was missing. After getting down I felt dizzy. I had to take another bus to reach home. The local bus. I felt familiarity which was missing in the previous one. The breathing fresh air or wind that hits your hair when you open the window. It's hard to get used to something new. We just need time to accept it.
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Two days back, I was panicking, deleting social media apps because I had an exam yesterday. I was there sitting at my study desk when this idea struck my mind. It was not just a paper yesterday but my grandmother's birthday. No, my Aajji's 80th birthday. Sounds authentic? I had a surreal yet real idea for celebrating it specially. I switched all the study schedules and made a group. Everyone in the family cooperated with me so well. Yesterday, I wrote a terrible paper, and felt as if it was an awful remembrance but I knew it was not worth the day which was about to start.— % &I'm her favourite नात. There's no arguing for that. She loves me blindly and I love her too. I called her old friends, she met them after ages. She was delighted and refreshed old times with them. One of those had a grandchild. She had a wide smile looking at him. For some moments she was not smiling, I just took her close to me in a tight मिठीत. The smile reached the eyes. That's all that mattered to me. I invited my best friend and it made it more beautiful, I truly felt the meaning of friends being like family. She was one of us, a family. After the celebration, everyone back home. At night, I stayed awake, looking at the ceiling and recalling the memories that we just created some moments ago, for her, those 80 years she completed. The moments that made me happiest were rolling teardrops in my eyes out of gratefulness. Indeed, Memories never remain the same. — % &
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It's not easy to get detached from someone who was your go-to person, with whom you shared everything, with whom you had been your most vulnerable self. It's hard for them to let go of you even though they always listened to you. But the thing that matters the most is to let go of them as you realise you cannot be vulnerable and not fall in love with them. It's a hard journey. You find other people, you try to replace them but in the end, you feel bad but still, you choose to not go back to them is an improvement. For your well-being. Forgive them without an apology. They don't deserve to suffer because of you.
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