I would grasp every tiny sign of life
like a newborn making a fist
around a finger brushing across its palm

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I would pet the furry mates more often
I would smile at every face crossing my path
I would hug tighter,
nuzzle longer
I would cry harder,
laugh weirder
I would adore those rather annoying habits of loved ones
I would hold tight to every sweet memory
like an artist admiring the finer details of his art
I would let the bitterness fade, like stains voporizing in the day's hottest part

-

I would gaze at the sky more often
I would let that breeze flow across my face for a little longer
I would smile back at the moon rushing along me on the way back home
I would watch those first rays splitting the layers of darkness
I would follow the journey of the last rays until they curled-up to become a crimson dot

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If I knew
those seventyish or eighyish years were the only years that counted for me

If I knew those years were the only chance of knowing life
the people, the bonds, the conversations
were really the one opportunity in this miniature life

-

If I were sure
that my years of existence
were embedded in the millions years of
non-existence

If I knew
those years of existence would be
be nearly invisible if kept across the years of non-existence

If I knew the only signs of this existence would be some objects here and there
or some miniscule of fossil fuel
formed over centuries

If I knew my existence would be irrelevant
in the bigger picture of the universe

-

Maybe routine interactions in any relationship shouldn’t be like walking on eggshells.

You shouldn’t feel insecure and anxious around the opposite person’s perception of your daily words and actions.
You shouldn’t feel afraid about being judged or being misunderstood even before setting out to do anything.

The relationships which are consistently under such inspections push you on edge.
Your mind forgets to perceive the joys in mundane little things.
Tasks which you used to handle smoothly, become increasingly burdensome as every task comes with a plethora of possible judgements, misinterpretations, criticisms.

Relationships are meant to provide solace from otherwise rugged life.
When the relationships themselves become the area you feel most vulnerable in, life increasingly becomes devoid of direction and meaning.

Maybe the most important thing which you lose in such relationships is your genuine version.
In an environment where every action of yours is at the risk of misinterpretation, you can hardly bring yourself to be the person who genuinely cares, laughs and gives its cent percent.

-

Every passing day just adds to my conviction in narratives.
It hardly matters if you are right or wrong, what matters is how the narrative has been woven around you.
What matters is the choice of words, the instances you spoke them and how well you did the cherry picking.
What matters is the number of people believing or shunning your narratives.

Even with casualties of 25k+ civilians, displaced families and their city being converted into a ghost town, Palestinians still need to prove their victimhood, their misery.
Even with the ever increasing hatred towards the community, the day to day biases being faced in the simplest things like finding a job or residence, there remains the sheer denial of the differentiating practices against Indian muslims.

You might be the most genuine person out there but if you are not good at or fail for any reason in deconstructing the narratives built against you, be ready to be the antagonist of the story.

-

To the life,

If I abruptly leave you, know that I did not willingly.
I always loved you, your tough days, not so good days and the days which were special for the little joys they brought.

If I ever leave uninformed, know that I was always excited to be with you for the longest possible time..till my hair were grey, and the face brimmed with creases.

If I ever leave you, know that I am equally excited to meet you on the other side. Where hopefully you will be an eternal companion.

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Every new relationship starts with the insecurity around being up to the opposite person’s expectation.

Every act of love, assurance from the opposite person puts us at ease, at home with ourselves.

On the other hand every judgement or ridicule resurfaces the sheer sense of insufficiency,
and we find ourselves zealously trying different ways to be above the feeling, to be more than we are perceived to be.

Maybe we all deserve a circle where we can be our vulnerable selves.

Maybe we all deserve a break from the bonds which keep inspecting our worth.

-

Maybe the feeling of ‘not being good enough’ is universal among human beings.

We all experience this sense during different phases with varying intensity
We all develop some coping mechanisms to deal with it.

Some of us keep trying hard to excel at things, so that the core sense of insufficiency is addressed.
Some of us are ultra cautious around taking any step out of our comfort zone, with the lurking fear that our flaws will be bare open in front of a larger group.
While some of us keep reminding ourselves and others about our achievements and instances where we outperformed expectations.

Maybe this is the reason we find comfort in bonds where we can be vulnerable. Where all the coping mechanisms can be put to rest as we know however flawed we may come across we will still be loved and cherished.

At the end we all need solace from the daily conscious, subconscious battles we are in.

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