#InnerAlchemy

Had a deep talk with God today. My heart was heavy and vulnerable. No noise, only poise. Overt and covert, I was all calm—even amid the chaos my situation and I created.

In the end, no matter where the world goes, no amount of gold can sell my soul to the places this embellished generation craves. I don't even want to try, because why should I seek validation for things that aren't meant for me? Not because they're unreachable, but maybe because they're an engulfing, bright pit—ready to serve more pangs to the already existing trauma.

A deep talk with you, God, always brings clarity. But the amount of pain and unnoticed efforts it takes just makes me feel tired and fragile. Even though I understand these circumstances are building me up, I am still on my journey. I forget and stumble, then I remember where I was.

Sometimes, all we need is an ear to hear us and a shoulder to cry on—no one else's but our own. This kind of inner reliance is an art. I want to master it, so I don't need to shed a tear. Instead, I’ll smile—because here again is a new opportunity to grow. Life.

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REFUGE

We plead to God like a flea,
And in return he scratches our heads.
In the moments of breakdown,
He delivers the peace of the dead.
Our screams echo inaudibly,
Only heard by him.
Are these so-called blood relations—
do they really matter?
We think we're special to them,
More than they ever truly felt our presence.
The haughty can never feel warmth.
Whether we feel it or not,
It's the unknown who holds us.
Giving us a boat to sail,
And reach the shelter for the lost.
God cradles us there,
Through the arms of nature.
Nurturing us once again,
To get lost and found again.

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MIND

Dear mind, 
Please let me lay for a while.
It's been only thirty minutes,
and I have crossed thousands of miles.
Switching from sappiness to happiness,
Reality checks to imaginary laps.
Why you being so selfish?
Don't I deserve a moment of joy.
To relax and sleep,
To breathe with the soft breeze of dusk,
To feel the tiniest echoes of midnight,
To be the white in the night,
Creating a monochromatic love story.
A love story of silence and joy,
Often ignored and considered void.
Dear mind, 
Please let me lay for a while.

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LONGING

Sometimes I deeply miss a person,
A person whom I have never met.
A strange affection, a pain of separation,
Unaware of the direction of these waves.

Is it really my overthinking or telepathic calling?
I believe in both.
It's a strong feeling, as if talking to someone,
And that someone isn't among those I know.

A bond of unfamiliarity, unnoted and unknown.
Pangs of distance ready to tug at your soul,
Releasing both to embrace tightly and unite,
A place where there's no day or night,
Where distance is distant,
And time is untimed.

In this moment of void,
You hold each other tight.
Now there's only one —
A fully mooned soul,
With its grey and white.

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I have always been on the run, making my way through the hustle and bustle inside me. I don't know who I am. Some days I breathe, and other days I am just chaos. I don't know if I have a hearty heart or if I am just a vulnerable soul—a soul within a younger body, craving that old-school love. That beautiful, platonic love: unconditional and innocent.

Does the sweet colleague from my office know that I love it when she waves a "Hi" to me? My whole being smiles. Do the humble seniors know how I silently thank them every single day for their help? It's their way of expressing love. Do the sanitation workers of my society know that I think of them and feel so good when we hold small conversations? My heart flutters with peace and joy. Does nature know how lucky I feel to watch it change its shades, just like moods?

I feel love everywhere, but when I sense its absence, I feel dejected. Like a toddler, my whole being feels frustrated—why can't we all be like this? Then a hidden voice echoes, "Maybe you're oversensitive." And this smashes the wall of affectionate memories I hold. Now it's just a hurting heart until I encounter another lovely gesture. It's a vicious cycle.

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My freedom suffered a lot,
She's still suffering every single day.
I never tried to wipe her tears,
As they roll inside her, never out.

My freedom suffered a lot,
She is under exile for aspiring joy.
A joy people envy as they can't attain,
So they sow the seed of sorrow.

My freedom suffered a lot,
She's presently free yet doomed.
She's free doomed,
Still hoping to be the full moon.

My freedom suffered,
Yet she's brave enough to smile.
Smile when others are successful,
Reads lessons from her book of failure,
Collects moments of silence in chaos.
And reminds herself to be grateful,
As the great things are coming in divine time.

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March didn't march this year,
You perched on me with a coo.
As I read affirmations to soothe.

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EDEN

I yearn for moments of solace,
Laying in the arms of pasture with dews.
Letting the wind ooze through my hair,
Creating a beautiful canopy with crimson light,
Over the flowers taking shelter under my hair.

I yearn for moments of solace,
Walking through the puddles,
Caressing every single plant along my way,
Creating a secret love story, eternal.

I yearn for moments of solace,
Where I take shelter under a tree,
Like a vagabond, lost and carefree.

I yearn for moments of solace indeed,
Not forgetting the blessings I have with me.
I behold and weave the happy days,
I sympathize with the black and blues I had.

I yearn for the dreams which are still latent,
Of dancing my heart out under the rain,
Of singing with my imperfect voice
the melodious rhymes,
Of playing a handpan to awaken a tired soul,
All in all, I want the world to be a happy place.

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I enjoy the moment of peace when there is just silence, a silence outside and inside of me. I feel sober and wish this moment could be a little longer. I am jotting down this moment with my pen, just like a camera capturing a picture. I am capturing this stillness through my ink, ink of my feelings, latent and bottled. I am trying to keep my mind in the pace of this peace. As I know it's short-lived, a jiffy worth capturing to look back on when the heart is ruptured. A reminder that everything starts with silence and ends with silence.
Behold and hold on, yes, there-there, hug yourself, love yourself.

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DEAR LIFE

Life O life,
It's hard to make everything right,
When every next minute feels like a fight.

Life O life,
Bless me with the serendipitous nights,
Where I glint for the moon silvery bright.

Life O life,
Whenever I feel like giving up,
I start calling you by the abbreviation,
LOL.

Life O life,
Please be a little nice,
As I promise,
'I will make an effort to be wise.'

Life O life,
You're loved,
Don't forget to love me back this time.

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