I thought I'll be free once I become financially independent but nobody told me freedom is a myth for a woman. You'll always be told to accommodate no matter how accomplished you are. There is always a ticking clock for every action of yours; from going out to going places, from marriage to motherhood. Everything is pre decided and if you dare to be uncooperative, you're a rotten seed worth discarding. And No! You won't be discarded to live free, but planted in a place that only knows sufferings and won't even let you die.

-

This emptiness..
Will it ever leave me alone?
I thought I could overcome it
once I made friends, I couldn't.
Let's get busy to avoid feeling, I was told
Strangely enough, it grew bigger.
Love is the cure they said
So I luckily found love as well, just in time.
And yet it keeps growing inside of me
Like a cactus thriving in a desert.
Now my mind knows just one escape
But I'm afraid of the consequences.
What if it still doesn't work?
What if my soul still wanders to find the answers?
What if it so happens that I exhausted the limit and ran out of choices to make?
What if I never recover from the what ifs?

-

I thought it was all in the past and that emotions has finally found their way back to my cold heart.
Guess that's not the case.
I'm still that hard headed, cold hearted person that makes vulnerability seem like a weakness.
I do have a heart that resembles an empty vase.
All these years I've been trying hard to get this toxic trait off of my soul but it refuses to leave me alone, seeming like it has become one with my identity.
I always wonder how ppl end up thinking of me as a soft, sophisticated baby
While I'm all of a crude, cruel, and more of a psychopathic personality.
No I don't like hurting people,
and I cry myself to bed everyday,
cz I end up doing it anyway.
Why am I a cactus? And if I am, why do you keep approaching me knowing you'll get all scratched and bleed?
Why can't you leave me alone
It's not like I'm something that you need?
I can't control my growing spikes as it's too late.
But you can run away, so why won't you do it, mate?
Am I an imposter? A traitor?
Tell me again in your next letter.

-

I know all your promises are mere words. I have seen your actions deviate from those words of yours countless times and still here I am...
These words of yours are the kind I've always been familiar from a very tender age. The kind I've always dreaded more than anything, the kind I always resisted yet I am letting myself fall for. Even I am surprised because I've known better than falling for empty words yet I want to believe this time.

Maybe it's my dark psyche trying to confirm that true love doesn't exist anymore; that all the love is conditional. Maybe I am running into a heartbreak knowing fully how I'll break this time. Maybe it's my destructive mind playing tricks on me, signaling an escape to disappear in the oblivion. Maybe you are my escape.

I'm letting myself loose for once. Trusting in something that's bound to fail, waiting to hit the rock bottom. Once the rain washes away the sugar coats off of your lies, I won't be waiting a second to cut this worldly noose. Too bad you met a girl not easy to deceive, it's fun watching you trying to find words for me to please. Worry not, for I'm aware of your ordeal. Worry not, for it'll be over soon!

--
A sparrow gone crazy

-

Once I said I am afraid of open doors
Yet I walked into one today.
Now that I am trapped,
How I wish I could turn the time around.
I hate this feeling of helplessness
yet it keeps coming after me
like an unsatisfied ghost.
With a defeated soul, finally
I pronounce to have given up
on any last bits of hope.

-

I'm fed up of working night shifts,
I'll be changing my shift to day now.

-

Always looking back
Or charging ahead,
I realised, never for a moment
I was, in the moment.

-

While making a decision I am torn between doing things my way and doing things in the way others want me to. Afraid of following my heart and failing because then I will be the only person to blame and as if my mind doesn't hate myself enough, this'll add to it. The internalised hate is too hard and I'll end up hurt anyway. No way express my disappointment in myself because I brought this upon myself.
If I follow others, I will only have 2nd hand experiences and nothing new to hold on to. Even if I fail, I'll sure have a lot of regrets but might get some support too. Why so sure of failure? Because I like to make worst case scenarios in my head and if I let you know about all of them, you'll push me into an asylum calling me a lunatic.
Why am I so conflicted? It doesn't even make sense. But again, nothing I say ever makes sense anyway.

-

'I want some time with myself' corner for self healing.
So that when you're there, nobody disturbs you.

-

That I can't freely roam at the places I'd like
unless I am a bird or the wind
Because border is a thing and ATMs don't just cough out money to anyone.

That all the love I was getting as a child would change and my worth would be decided by the money I bring home or the car I drive.

That older ones are not free to make choices as they please for there's a social meter to check the morality of each decision.

That one day, people can get tired of everything and just wish for not having to exist.

-