Happiness scares me!

(Full piece in caption)

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It's tough to draw a map to get out of your misery when all you can draw is a circle.

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realising it's nothing what
you imagined it as a kid.

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that the more you grow up, the more you want to become a kid again.

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to heal oneself.

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to integrate oneself with thoughts.

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It's hard to keep the things that you will never get again.

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Grey Rainbow

Once again I search for rainbows
To lessen my pain and woes,
Rainbows of seven shades of grey.
Colours were never really my way.
Even the moonbows are too vivid for me.
The day-sky is less blue compared to me.
I chase starless and moonless night.
It matches my heart, the darkness in sight.
But night turns to day, a punishment in a way;
Leaves me with so much to do and so less to say.
Yet I procrastinate it all and gaze at the sky,
"The sky's blue is duller than me, why?"
The vast sky is clouded, so is my tiny heart.
The clouds rain but my eyes don't play their part.
Maybe I can't find bliss because I have too much to ignore
Maybe it's not enough, I have to suffer more.

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I Still Run

I still run, and run from my responsibilities,
Still messed up are my priorities,
Still wasted are my abilities,
Still full of anxiety, depression and insecurities.

I still run, and run from my fears.
I am now also a reason for others tears.
I am now transparent grinding for years and years.
I now just glug and glug with no reasons for ‘cheers’.

I still run, and run from the truth.
I am living life like pulling a tooth.
I keep missing my targets no matter how I shoot.
Karma is biting me hard for my sinned youth.

I still run, and run from the past.
I am the one who has crumbled and is turning to dust.
It was me who couldn’t jump, the gap was never vast.
Life is a race, the winner is the one who lasts.

I still run, and run not from the better me
But from the fake person who is the real me.
Maybe I am bound to suffer just to be happy.
I still believe it’s how life planned it for me.

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GUM HU

Gum hu, kahi gum hu.
Muskura raha, par gumsum hu.
Kya dhoondu, uske talash mein hu.
Gum hu, ha main gum hu.

Haara hu, zindagise haara hu.
Akela hu, par khudka sahaara hu.
Kya kahu, kuch kehne layak nahi hu.
Haara hu, khudse hi haara hu.

Zinda hu, afsos zinda hu.
Sthir khada, bina pankhka parinda hu.
Kyu jiyu, maut se poochna chahta hu.
Zinda hu, mar marke zinda hu.

Lekin khush hu, dil se khush hu.
Shoonya bhi hu, anant bhi hu.
Kya hai moolya? Moolyaheen hu.
Phir bhi khush hu, mann se khush hu.

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