I miss him everyday. Many times in a single day. Though it’s been months, and I have all right reasons to move on, none of them seems enough. I talk to myself about how I messed up things or about how I should have acted; how my actions lead to an end of a relationship which could have flourished. And I end up with the same belief that had he wanted, he wouldn’t be okay in losing me.

Whatever happened broke my heart, I’m still hurting. I have been miserable, he doesn’t know how he has awakened the silent fears within me. I didn’t want to argue, bcz it could easily make a situation worse, so I avoided any sort of argument, but now I believe people who argue regularly are better suited, and do have a strong bond.

Neither did I argue nor did he, and here we are without each other.

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Patriarchy rules peoples lives, especially women’s mindset’s at large, where one women tells the other often that whatever you may become, you can’t leave the kitchen, as that’s an integral part of women’s lives. Where they feel compelled to tell that a women is incomplete and incompetent, if she is not good at cooking, no matter what she becomes.

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She won’t show her pain even if she is suffering deeply, and that is why she never could really be loved the way she should have been.

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I said to him that he needs to lose weight, and that if he changes his daily routine, he will surely be healthier.

On that he seemed to be little annoyed and asked me: What if I don’t lose weight?

I said, “you will, there is no option of not losing weight, so don’t keep that thought come in your mind.”

He asked again, “ What if I never lose weight, would you not be with me then?”

I didn’t reply back. I didn’t know whether he was insecure or didn’t want to actually work on himself.

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I don’t believe in love of people who let you go easily. People don’t give up on people they actually love.

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You cry in front of people who actually let you, those whom you know wouldn’t hesitate to hold you while you grieve.

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It’s easy to get a person interested for a while by doing the bare minimum, but that is not how someone falls in love.

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We run from Gods to Goddesses, or vice Versa to save ourselves from miseries or to bring peace in our lives. Not very sure how much that works, but certainly it does makes a person distant from their own vision or themselves. For a while you are not you.

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Was something wrong with me? What made him not stay? Was I so suffocating? This keeps coming in my head. I am so hurt that I want to hurt myself.

Then once in a while I realise he wasn’t nice to me when he said certain things that do not suit a person who loves you. And every time when he showed me that he doesn’t care at all.

I feel a little comfort in knowing that I am letting go of someone who wasn’t willing to keep me. Be it his ego, self-respect or the fact that he didn’t actually love me; he did me good.

But I am hurt. What do I do with that?

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You think you can change things, and you have time and then you realise that you can’t. Sometimes things don’t get better as we always hope and pray for, rather we are left with no choice.

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