Paradox

~In the caption

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the feelings i buried deep in my heart are fighting to be out of their cell, the entirety of me is entangled in a mess
i wait and i wait
until everything in my bones erupts and turns into words
i was always afraid to say.

i find a lighter on the roof
or maybe it is my own heart caught up in a fire so hot
it's burning,
i am raging everything precious to me to the ground
will that be enough to prove i exist?
now I'm in the kitchen, getting drunk off the steady thrum that accompanies quiet
music words pierce through my heart
the room is on fire and i am dancing in the flames
will that be enough to make my absence known?
i feel at home in these shambles
i dig my own grave, a new kind of hell just for me
it's the middle of the night and I've been on my own for a while
my heart is bleeding, I'm aching for myself again.
will that be enough to make my presence felt?

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you seem lost you don't want to be around anyone, not even your own shadows
but his eyes look a lot like black sad blues trapped in a big life ocean, his waves come crashing down and now your heart is trapped around cages built on your own memorial

you forgot this world makes the living walk into graves, so you stand there holding the bits and pieces left of your sanity, only the knife has come this close to you, only the knife that never lies don't carve out your name on the mess you call your body, by the skin of bare teeths solely lover boys do that.

all your metal cage bars bend and turn into lariats they feel a lot like the words your father eats
you exhale without exception when those whole lot are overlaid making you drink the word spit that occupies every corner of your walls
you hang yourself each time but you do not pass into oblivion
you dream more than you've slept and when you close your eyes
the alphabets are etched at the back of your eyeballs
a certain desire to endure is a certain desire to be found.

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You talk about being loyal
And here I am
Still keeping your secrets.

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कुछ इस तरह अपना दर्द बयान करना हैं
की अलफाज़ भी कशमकश इस अँधेरे से बढ़कर,
मुझसे ज्यादा कामयाब हो जाए।

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क्यूँ बयान करू अपने दर्द को?
जब यहां हाल-ए-ज़िंदगी पूछने वाले तो बहुत हैं,
पर समझने वाला कोई नहीं।

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Tell them
That I had the warmest heart
You knew, but then
You turned me cold.

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Cursed are those
Who feel infinity
But can only express a number.

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As long as your heart pumps blood,
You are allowed to bleed.

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Before she became hell fire, she was water,
Quenching the thirst of every dying creature,
She gave and she cared
Until she turned
From ocean to desert
The sadness, the brokenness,
The heartache, the scars,
She took all her pain
And from her own ashes
She became fire
Mighty enough to destroy you.

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