it felt empty again
as i tried to fill my username
in all these apps
maybe all i needed was a mindful nap
but crap, this hunger to be heard
made me fall into this trap
and i wasted all the time in defiance
when should have tried finding rhyme
to self reliance

i needed something again
to ease the pain
something i could connect to
other than wifi that's free
someone to notice the falling tree
but i was only decomposing
maybe all these expectations needed closing
and as i became one with the earth
i found myself growing from the dirt
as poetry gave birth

-

i keep on uninstalling these apps
but i still remember to install back
what i keep forgetting is myself.
who am i, where am i going. help!
and when it's time to find out, about
welp, here i post.

do i want to run back to friends i ran from
what changed, or nothing changed
am i lost or am i found by the lost again.
will the words will lead my the way
what do i write now, oh no
and i keep on forgetting myself
now i need to pick myself where my poetries left.

do i want to write, why this hesitation
am i feeling guilty of seeking validation
oh no, i dont even have your quote subscription.
why poetry, i can make a powerpoint presentation.
isnt it about making myself feel better.
oh no, i forgot what makes me feel better
and i keep on forgetting myself
so here i post a letter.

-

travelled half the apps
to shake these lonely blues
every notification tells me
have i been a fool

blinking into the illusion
rapid breaths of confusion
face down into the feed
is this where i fulfill my need

or should i bleed
or should i bleed
and watch every drop rest
on the wilted scenes as it harvests

-

I wrote her a poem, she liked my poem
then she showed me her poem
she wrote for another boy.

-

between the addiction and restriction
where lies origin of oink
confronting the construction
to strip the soul of consumption
to help self against inevitable distractions
and no satisfactions
from constant attention to semen retention
peeling the comfort
feeling the discomfort
exploring what stays through thick and thin
against the boring unison
pouring candle wax on the skin
let oink burn hardcore to the core
before death becomes the only medicine
beyond the stuck in the screen stance
revealing oink doing a gay goth dance— % &

-

I type and backspace
type and backspace until
I take back the words that were left unsaid
for the times i couldn't take back the words i couldn't say
i click and delete
click and delete these pictures until
i stack them with stories that were never read
for the times the stories i was too blind to read

the words that have shared my burden
the pictures that have hidden the stories
an uncertainty arises that fills me with worries
my head refills with dark shades
and my ink fades
i stop to write and start to ponder
will the words fail like a crumpled paper
or will it stay like a tattered picture book

my head starts to say more than words
and soon i reach the word limit
then the tired heart unfolds
for the secrets that are to keep
some things are better left as mysteries
cause these secrets i can't hide from myself
for this life doesn't have a backspace

-

the destination is fading
procratination is raging
where would i be now? what i once thought
where am i? can i use your thought

my footprints and blueprints
were all the maps to failure
too late, cant leave this state
cant afford a saviour

the winner takes it all
then why the sperm i was once is in a total fall
and i shall rise again said my broken dick
dont call me prick, im just a pig and okay i am sick

for once, i want to feel proud
what do i do, other than practising no fap
staph! all this energy that speaks so loud
yeah im still not dead yet, i can put my life on bet
i wanna go get it, but man i just forget it
idk if im dumb or just numb

beaten, bruised by the hands of clock
still every of my sweat drops
and battles against time
this is my last call
this time i'll give it all
until i become oink by design

-

//oink satisfies the hunger

-

//of chaotic comparison and self cleansing clarity

okay it's time, we haven't run out of rhyme
time to pay, lay down all your crimes
crimes of haste, wasting away
and you stay, stuck, thinking you're out of luck
and you sing, I wish I was special, oh yes you suck
you tend to forget, you were made once
and this is no rehearsal, you're the actor and the audience
play your pace, lace your shoes, and claim your cadence

strange, change is in every direction
no, not yet, never I can get to perfection
resolve, reload, ode to simplicity
for the mess I'm in, bless absurdity
take the risk, fix, don't be a blame game prick
click right, refresh, rush against the tick
memento mori, burn that calorie, let's claim our glory
carpe diem, don't pause, live your story

-

//a silly autobiographical account on stupid overthinking.

-