I used to think I can get rid of exhaustion
But each type of exhaustion exists
Mentally unprepared for the challenges
Beautiful rain calms my brain
Silent nights looking peaceful
But it hides a tiredness of life
An exhaustion of distressed heart
Flying through time
Is it moment of happiness ?
Or is it happiness is just an illusion?
Or a visionary of weighing despair so much more
That it weighs out everything.
Or is it that adult life is a mold of exhaustion and disappointment ?
Can't I be carefree like a toddler?
I feel like running away from responsibilities.
I feel like I just want comfort.
Mental and physical comfort.
How to get that?
I think it's worthy to make it a life goal.

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He makes me skip my heartbeat
The smile in his voice makes me feel good
I feel peaceful with him
Holding hands and my head on his shoulder
Is where I feel safe.
The cute fluffy cheeks
The care that he shows
I feel stable
His protectiveness gives me a relaxing feel
I feel like watching into those deep eyes more deeply
His presence makes me want to care more for him
It feels like I want to improve myself more
I want to understand things which I don't understand.
Thankyou for this.
I am always grateful for this

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At times I think
Why am I the way I am ?
Who am I ?
Do people really do wrong with me or is it just an illusion?
Are people just treating me good just because they want to ?
Or
Do they want something in return ?
Why we want someone's attention.
And some people don't even matter to us.
Why do we want to be with someone for sometime and the next time we just want to admire them from far ?
Why we are so complicated yet interesting ?
Will we be able to understand every human if we understand ourselves ?
Or
We will never understand all of this complicated world
As everyone is so complicated.
Do people pray just to get something from God ? Or,
Do they just want to get their love and attention ?
Do people mistake happiness as power? Or,
Can power really give happiness ?
Are we conditioned to accept everything around as true ? Or,
Do everything around is fake?
What is the goal of life ?
Is it enjoying the luxuries of life and doing a job and having a family ? Or,
Is it being a sage ? Or,
Is it just loving God without any greed ?
We want to be financially independent
Does it makes me greedy ?
Why do people beg in the ne of God without working hard ?
Why are the system the way it is ?

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I always measured my worth
On how much I can achieve in physical world
I never felt super intelligent as everyone told me I am
I was always criticised for not being good enough in physical world
I think even if science is important , it's not everything
Science ignores everything that cannot be measured or proved
If you do so and so work
You are intelligent
If you earn a living
You will be respected
If you have a particular qualifications
You will be admired
It seems that emotions are a slave of how good you are in physical world
No importance is given to how kind you are
How beautiful your heart is
The kindness of a person is not rewarded
The support a person gives is yet ignored
For no physical world can operate without trust
" Being trustworthy" is a inner world
Instead the rich inner world of a person is taken advantage of
I think the world is too shallow to be true
And too cunning to trust

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Even if I ain't that confrontational verbally
I am great at writing it
Even if I doubt myself
I am extremely versatile
Even if I can't comfort you or don't know how to help you
I am here to listen you and be a shoulder to cry
Even if I have fear of recieving attention
I put up my performance
Even if I cuss
I am helpful and caring
Even if I don't fit in
I am always myself
Even if I feel awkward while talking
I know how to supportive
Even if I am not charming
I am genuine and honest
Even if I except people's bad remarks about me and get sad
I try not to hurt anyone
Even if I feel ill-treated
I always control the tornado of emotions in me
After all this
I live
For me there's nothing as strong or weak
It's just not giving up

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Room service 321
There was something mystical about it
The room was shabby with papers all around
Out comes an old man
With round horn rimmed spectacle
Slouching on his stick
His backbone humped down because of age
His bald head with patches of hair on the side
His glimmering grey hairs telling an untold story of the past
The baggy tired eyes of his whispering through the air
Of the mystical new poetry sorted by him
The baggy dungarees with a white shirt tucked naive way
He smiled through his eyes
And spoke in a squeaky voice,
"Thankyou lady for this cup of tea. I am working my way to another poetry."
His tired eyes spoke all of it.

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More than half of the insecurities that you have are because of your toxic parents who failed to make you feel loved, secure and validated ......
So, you end up asking for the validation of being good enough from others.
You look down upon yourself.
When the time comes learn to take off all the baggage and accepting that the people around you aren't a problem but your parents were a problem, they failed to be good parents. That's why you are scared of everything because you never feel that someone has your back ...

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A little bit more love to yourself
A little bit more putting yourself into others shoes
A little bit of understanding that it's okay to be sad
A little bit of kindness to yourself
Learning to forgive
Ending your emotional baggage
Trusting God and the universe
Believing that God is there for us
Makes us feel protected
Makes us feel secured
Asking for help from God and Universe
Help always reached
Making me feel secured
Taking care of ourselves
It's way too powerful
The power of subtleness is way more powerful than force
It's way more powerful than shouting
Staying silent and doing my work is way more powerful than fighting with others for control
We all have the control of our lives
We just don't realise it
Control of your life goes off
Oy when we allow it to happen
A little bit taking more responsibility
A little bit more stopping to be dependent on others no matter how small it is

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We always give importance to winning in commercial world
We work so hard to get admiration
But forget there's one aspect which needs to be nurtured all the time
Our emotional needs
I used to think forgiving people and being compassionate is weakness
Being merciless is strength
But I never realised how powerful they are until I did that myself
Forgiving people won't do any good to others
It will do good to ourselves
It will help us to put on others shoes
It will help to relieve the baggage that I was ignored
It will help to relieve the repressed anger and sadness of not being able to recieve enough kindness
But when you think may be they aren't capable of understanding you
Maybe they don't know how to show kindness
Maybe they were treated like anything
Maybe they never thought that they are sometimes thing worthy of more than that
Maybe that's why they treat us like that
That's when all the anger of not recieving enough emotional support will be blow out
That's when I understood compassion
But it's only then when I realised that nobody can control me until and unless I allow
It's then when I forgave
And I realised it relieves you, your sadness will get quenched

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Mistakes

I made a lot of mistakes
Mistake, of dwelling into the problems more,
Mistake, of not working for the solution ,
Mistake, of being able to change people,
Mistake, of not focusing of myself,
Mistake, of not writing journal daily,
Mistake, of not giving importance to myself.
For the solution is just working on myself.
For I longed too much into the thinking that saying them they are wrong will change things,
But it won't
I wasted my energy and time on it
I felt defeated.
Problem was not that I wanted a change
Problem was the energy spent is in the wrong direction
For belief exist only when adhered in the right direction.

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