One of these days I'll find myself

This little girl who was stroked by the neck...

//Caption

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There's a part of me that longs for you
a part that never looked in your eyes,
never understood your faintest smiles,
never grazed the strands of your delicate hair,

Never realized that suffering is not a prerequisite for love,
That your warmth towards me wouldn't have burned you,
That my self-righteousness would've eventually cost you,

And perhaps you already knew this.

But tell me—
Why did it matter?

When I costed you myself?

Wasn't I a prize, worth the defeat?
Wasn't that, in itself a victory?

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And i want to cleanse my eyes with brittle cold water.
Like I do with my morning face.

Because no matter how ferociously i run water on my eyelids; down my forehead, lips and hands.... the tiredness never seem to leave my vision.

It fogs up my view.

And i crawl....
I crawl to my bed

"Did I wake up this morning?"

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Some things happened to me in my formative years. That i won’t tell anyone about. But some things happened to you too. You wake up every morning striping your bones from the flesh.

“Lie still, lie still, lie still….”
Nimrah, I’m feeding you to be cruel.

(Caption)

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There is a brewing inside me,
something shifts,
I glance at my shoes but those are just as blue

I am wrapped in 5 shrouds of modesty
yet I cry out foul,
If only I can undo my words...
but that's all I am proud of

It's been long since I wrote,
held pen with a penny,
I was at ease;
but nowhere close

I still have your butterflies in silver,
it sits so close to my neck,
I no longer reek of nectar but I am sure;
there's lead somewhere

So something happened today...
and I saw you again,

After ages of death, torment in my head,
and dreams of others,
I know my eyes were wavering but how do I explain?

I only write when I am disturbed,
and today, you weren't any blue.

It bothered.

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There’s just so much inside me
and so little to express
like the words worth 5 decades
and a single last breath
>>Caption

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I wish emotions didn't change, I wish I wasn't so perplexed and conversed. I am..........(caption)

.....We are beasts of present and I am too weak to refuse......

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We both remember each other,
it's vague but we feel alike
and it's repugnant

we are helpless in both ways
as you see me walking to your beginning
while you reach out to my end.

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