Daddy's Little Girl

Last night I dreamt
of Daddy's little girl.
She whispered softly
of pain and agony.
Did you know her?
Daddy, did you see her pain?
All you ever wanted
you took over and over again.
Pushing, touching, feeling,
painfully pleasing your every need.
Did you ever stop to think
your secrets would make a fool of me?
All I ever wanted was to be
"Daddy's Little Girl".
Somehow I never knew
it would make a woman of me.

-

I sat down to write a sad song.
No words came to my heart.
Sitting here, wondering
what the hell just happened.
How has this already come so far?
Searching deep for the heartache and despair
I held on to so tightly for so long.
Seems they are no longer home.
I didn't even notice
when they were gone.
No room for those empty feelings,
even in the darkest corners of my heart.
Light shines in every space.
Beaming through each time
I feel the warmth of being held
within your arms.

-

I am hopeful today.
That scares the fuck out of me.
You see, there is no in between.
Polar ice caps or molten lava;
even though I like to think of myself as a warm, sunny breeze.
When thinking I could love someone, it leaves my heart burning or causes it to freeze.

-

Dear Missy (5 things I wish I could have told you at 16):

1. You are not fat...trust me..but stop drinking Dr. Pepper or you will be.

2. Don't quit playing the piano...you will regret it forever and never get it back.

3. Go "all the way" on prom night. He will forever be "the one that got away." and waiting until 19 wasn't all that great.

4. Realize your parents love you even if they don't understand you and what you're going through.

5. Cherish your friends and try to keep them close to you as you get older. It's lonely out there.

-

True wisdom is gained from the experience of lost innocence.

-

These days I am learning:
(Thanks for some good memories)

I can sleep alone comfortably.
(Damn this bed is cold without you)

How I wear my clothes and makeup should be just for me.
(I miss you telling me when I'm looking pretty sexy).

I'm a helluva catch for the right one who gets me.
(Wish you had kept me instead of letting go so easily)

We are better off friends only.
(If you were a friend to me, then maybe this I could believe)

-

I can't deny the fact that I still long for you.
My heart aches to hold you one more time.
The saddest part is, you were never really mine.

-

6 a.m. and I've been awake for hours.
Choking sobs abruptly pulled me from my fitful slumber.
Dreams that are only now a mist in my memory, still linger heavily on my heart.
I can't shake this feeling.
I can't seem to grasp any meaning.
I can't bear to sleep again,
lest I begin dreaming
of the day you leave me.

-

I keep thinking that I am old enough to have fulfilled the destiny of my legacy.
Yet, I sit here and wonder if what's meant to be somehow slipped through my younger hands.
Did the loose grip of my youth never notice the important things destined for me?
Could that explain why I am only a hallow shell living each day restlessly?
Some say it's never too late, but that seems like false dreams covering a harsh reality.
I have failed to live significantly.
I have failed to love endlessly.
I have failed.
I have failed.
I have failed to uphold my soul's ultimate destiny.

-

Tonight, I'm going to bury my sadness for a a little while.
Despair has been my mantra for way too fucking long.
It's time to lay these melencholy thoughts to rest.
Just once I want to write a poem not etched in tears.

(So here it goes, let's see if happiness is an emotion I can adequately express)

Where lies my joy?

It's in the laughter of my children,
so innocent and pure.
They tell me I'm the best mom in the world.
How lucky I am to hold these amazing little girls!

It's in the hugs of my close friends
who treat me as so much more.
I am grateful to be their chosen family;
loved beyond limits, even with all my faults.

Sometimes this darkness cloaks my eyes and closes doors to my heart.
I forget to look around me and be thankful for my world.
But, tonight I bury my sadness, even if just for a moment.
I want to bask in the sunlight of all the joy that I should be living for.

This poem does not give justice to the incredible life I live.
I'm not sure who I am unless I can tell you all my sorrows.
I guess this means I'll have to bury my sadness another day and try this happy shit again.

-Missy Estep

-