when i broke
i wanted nothing more
than nothing
i wanted to claw the ache out of my chest
and fill it with bricks, concrete, metal

i didn't know without the air or light
my heart would languish
into a pile of mush
no longer on fire
but still all nerve

-

i was in your arms last night
i closed my eyes and felt protected
you greeted me with tender kisses
and made me feel desired and appreciated
it is not comfortable yet

and what we have now
are moments
moments that have become days
become weeks
become months
stolen
but they make me want to indulge in them
there are so many layers to shed
thin slips like sheer fabric
gently settle onto the ground
and i feel more of you
the warmth radiating
as more barriers fall away
and you shed your layers too
slowly
tentatively
but surely

its been so long
i can't bare it all
there's still too much at risk
but it feels so good to feel
and i will stay right here
in this moment
and not what if
and not reminisce about when

i take you in
here
now
and hope you feel the same

(but won't dare ask)

-

it feels like it could be snatched away at any time
glints of peace and quiet happiness, the urge to immerse myself in the moment
and shade my peripheral with a taut hand
so i can't see the dark doubt
that gnaws at my presentness
nothing worthwhile has come without risk
I'm wading
so the tide cant take me under
and i can reach the shore when i need to
plant two feet on the ground
time is a commodity in more ways than one
time to see the sturdiness of the paths before me
and time to lean in

-

it's spring
after a winter that was cold
parks
beaches
city streets
museum halls
rooftop bars
oysters
music
art
me
and you
in bloom

-

my dream would be a day of no distractions. so I can see you and you can see me. I can hold your head to my heart and the beat can soothe away the noise. take you away from all the stress of your world. let you know there is a place you can breathe and rejuvenate. and then roll around under the sheets exploring every bit of you while you explore every bit of me. and together we create a space that's secure and without judgement. a place you can be all you are and I can do the same. and nothing needs to happen unless we want it to. I see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice that that place can be. I want to be your comfort and bring you smiles. I won't play with your emotions. I want to stay right here and keep my hand in yours.

-

baby
do you want to flip this coin?
you know it's weighted
do you deal in high stakes?
is it risk you're willing to take?
you could stay here
it's quiet
it can get cold
but here you rest
no bloodied nails digging into rough cement
no void from grasping apparitions
isn't it better not to think about what you're missing?
'nothing' is better than 'what was'
isn't it better not to break your own heart?

-

i will drip
until I can pour
drenching your fingers
drowning your tongue
before i swallow you whole

-

i think of you
and it's so big
but there are no words
no thoughts
no images
no memories
no plans
just essence
and it makes me full

-

where are the kind eyes
broad chests
soft faces
i'd long to see every day
and bury myself away from all that bites
beyond a sea of furrowed brows
fiery eyes
tense jaws
that don't hesitate
to make themselves known
but want to pick away
the soft pieces i have left
come to me
i'll make a space that's warm
and steadies the beat of your heart

-

my words fester
instead of flow
churning upon themselves
mixing stagnant with fresh
and spoiling it all
my peace is grace
the quiet stifles
dare i
implode

-