Numb.
I want to scream
I want to scream into a chest and
Hear the beats resonate with my rage
I want to drown fully for once without squirming like a fish taken out of water
I don't want to be analysed, for once
I don't want to be merely acknowledged
I want to be heard, I want to belong
Empty words of sympathy pacify and soothe you think ?
I can see, I can feel your pretence in my bones
I want to cry.
I am tired of being the load-bearing beam.
I want to stop feeling numb
So that when my teacher asks her students to close their eyes and think of anything that feels like "home", I should be able to think of something. Or someone.
I don't want to have a silent meltdown in the middle of a happy family ceremony. Or in a class. Or in a brief elevator suffocation.
I want to be taken out of my own head
I want to escape the cellar, which is under the rock bottom of my own mind
The walls are pressing down on me.
I am being choked.-
I scrawl this amidst my boundless pain,
While you scrunch my temple - unsparing,wild.
I writhe and roll like a beaten mollusc,
Sobbing and floundering all drugged and red.
Like stung by a wasp on a blistering hide
You wring my brain, till I drop like dead,
Making me want to blast my skull,
For none discerns my torturous venture.
But I write for you - as I always do -
For all those people, who hurt me too.-
Waves that recede,
Take away your thoughts,
But then come crashing back,
With more frothed rubble of love.
In the hold of your palm,
I lived every moment,
And now that you ain't near,
I am as dead as death could be.
The voices I hear,
Sing many a tune,
And each hum I hear,
Reminds me of you.
For you are my melody,
Like a sweet winter songbird,
That sings only for me,
To shake me up from the long sleep.-
I scroll through the colourful list,
To check for offers I've missed,
For the coupons are a real boon,
As it's upon burgers I subsist.
The valets call me soon,
And some are deaf, I presume,
For they always stand one full call,
But then they bang the wrong room.
There are times I feel so lucky,
When the food still feels hot-and spicy,
Then I binge the food and booze,
Again, as I happily Swiggy.-
Letter No. 81,
Dear Pen Pal,
I hope this letter finds you in the
best of moods... Set yourself in
a cozy couch as I begin
my daily laments...
(Full piece in caption)-
In the warmth of the home,
And the care of the family,
We are locked in our golden cages,
Of love, peace and safety.
Board games and treasured novels ,
That yearned to serve their purpose,
Are dusted, washed, cherished
By grandma, grandpa and grandkids.
In the little busy abode,
Where the father hurried for work,
There's now soaps and epic classics,
While his shoes are neatly racked.
The kids see Sun at noon,
And call lunch, their breakfast.
While the mother strives all day,
To serve the family, like any other day.
Masked from our neighbors,
We're stuck indoors all day,
And rest till rest needs rest,
Like we'll never ask for a holiday.
We used this time to dive deep,
Into the crease and spots of the inner heart,
And we washed it clean like never before,
All healed and ready for a brand new start.
Let's pray and wish on the falling stars,
For the distress times to pass,
So that we can see the skies and the birds,
And miss the lockdown homely bliss.
-
Then I stood there and heard myself,
breaking into a million pieces.
Shattering like a cut pearl-string,
Like it was never together before.
The bleeding heart goes numb,
I'll never feel the beats again.
Destroyed, pained and broken.
Again.
-