Now I’m someone who doesn’t like conflict. No one does. But I’ve come to understand that it’s a part of life. Smooth sail is an ideal us wishful thinkers and daydreamers fantasise about but reality is different. Reality is each relationship (work or otherwise) will follow cycles of harmony, disharmony, repair. Most people get stuck at disharmony because they don’t know how to repair. Because they don’t know how to learn lessons about self and the other through that conflict. Because they don’t see that as a problem worth resolving. Because they evade accountability so it’s easier to engage in “Other-Blaming” and assume the role of a “Victim” or sufferer. And then they go through life never learning the skill set required to adequately resolve issues and move forward. And then they say Damn! Relationships suck! They’re difficult! Well, of course they are if you’re not emotionally intelligent. But the good news is, emotional intelligence can be cultivated. So let’s endeavour to cultivate that so we can have longer periods of smooth sailing and more confidence in our own abilities to amicably repair when the sail is rough as a cob and knocking us out.
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If you can’t hear a bunch of shit about a bunch of shit that you deeply insanely believe in that might present a convincing contrary opinion which would challenge your current thought process that you’re so madly in love with and married to, then you, my friend, are not a critical thinker. You’re a joker who’s pretending to be a critical fucking thinker. Also while I’m at it, women who think critically, have high IQs and EQs living in India must radically accept that they’ll die single. So they must build themselves for greatness.. and join public life instead.
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Vulnerable sharing is difficult for a lot of us. We have old wounds that show up, keep us from expressing our deepest fears, our most profound pain points. So as much as it’s our responsibility to share where we’re injured, it’s also important that we feel safe and confident enough to share such things with another person. It’s important that we offer that encouragement to those who matter to us that they can come to us with their thoughts and feelings. It’s important that we offer them a welcome stance and not an air of indifference, frustration, and arrogance. We’re humans and we will fuck up more times than we would like to. But the only thing that can ensure that we keep getting better is our constant conscious efforts to get better. Effort is a sign of personal growth. Repeating your unhelpful patterns is not. It’s important that we surround ourselves with people who approbate our efforts when we make them, however little they are, so we can continue to feel motivated enough to keep making them over and over again. It’s important that we choose to see some positive amidst all that is negative and disgust inducing about another person. That is the key to achieving balance.
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Avoidants are sensitive, not cold, or even indifferent. They’re emotionally detached because it protects them, not because they want to cause you hurt. They make a conscious effort to keep themselves involved in things that won’t betray, abandon, disappoint them ie: their work, hobbies, goals, ideals. They need handholding and spoon feeding in relationships. If you expect them to know or do things that people must know and do in relationships, you will be thoroughly disappointed. Because they don’t have adequate modelling for what people in healthy relationships should do. But if you model it for them and allow them to learn by your example, they will give you the world. Just don’t expect them to do things first because most times they’re counting on you to show them the right things to do. But if they like you, they’ll learn. Take interest in them, they will feel safer to take interest back. If you like something they’re doing, reward them in the form of appreciation, acknowledgment or any other way. If you don’t like something they’re doing, tell them in a calm tone of voice from a place of compassion how they can do something right, give them an action plan, not plain criticism.
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How can we ever feel safe being a part of a culture where we’ve normalised transactional relationships, where we’ve normalised our own dehumanisation and that of others, where selfishness and apathy are seen as cool, where we love people out of boredom and trash them out of overwhelm. Where we calculate and mistrust to the point that we kill the very human inside us that we so badly wish to protect. How then can we ever feel safe when the idea of safety itself is not given much importance, where people get inebriated to escape from their void and merge with that of another even if that merging comes at the cost of feeling unsafe and regretful later. When people mistake fleeting moments of pleasure for happiness. When everybody is so practical that there is no room for emotions. Where we are polarised as thinkers or feelers. Where everything is so black and white that people are discarded for showing a different side that is as much a part of them as the side they showed before. Where acceptance, tolerance, efforts, integrity are seen as words meant to grace literature than as qualities that are worth emulating, professing, and practicing in real life.
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You make my very cynical heart feel very very hopeful and that’s how I know
That’s how I know
It’s love
Worries disappear, fears dissipate
I feel soft now, don’t feel all that hate
My soul feels light, my heart feels more open
I used to play black sabbath, now I play Chopin
I no longer pretend I’m immune to hurt
I’m okay about sending long para texts, my replies are no longer curt
Now I admit to my feelings, I no longer stay up at night and stare at the ceilings
And that’s how I know
That it is love
Doing things for you doesn’t seem like a chore
And when you hurt me
It hurts less my ego
But my feelings more
And that’s how I know
It’s love
And that’s how I know
It’s love-
One foot in, one foot out
Don’t try to possess me
Or I’m going to lash out and shout
Im just going to be me, we will never be a we
I needed to say this so you don’t have any doubt
No matter how deep this gets, I’m always going to be free
This is what this whole thing is about
I’m not what you think I am, I am what you will never see
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For manipulative and toxic people
Self respect and narcissism are indistinguishable
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Me to him- Mumma dint raise a loser
Him- smiling and thumping his chest
Me- Just an absolute fucking coward-