It was said by one of the great people of Hollywood, -

"Do you know how it feels not to be included?"

"It's the worse kind of feeling."

Nowadays, I feel, I don't want to be included. I don't put in additional efforts to be included.

I am good on my own. I like exclusivity.

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I can't bear the distance between us.
It kills me when I'm not there with you to see your smile,
It kills me to know that there are people in your life who can make you laugh as I do.

I know we are not lovers,
But, then why I need to control my urges to pour my heart in front of you.
Why I need to know your favorite dish, so I can practice it and prepare it for you

I know we are not lovers,
But why I feel my day is incomplete without meeting you.

I know we are not lovers,
But why I can't tolerate tears in your eyes. And just want to light up fire in the whole world.

I know we are not lovers,
But why I die to see that smile on your face.

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Kyu mujhe uss kagaz se itna lagawh hai
Kyu utni nafrat mujhe insaano se hai.

Kyu koi mujhe utna samjhta hi nahi hai, jitna vo ek kagaz ka tukda mujhe apne andar sama leta hai.

Kyu kisi insan se dil lagane se pehle, me uss kagaz ke tukde ko apna dil dena pasand karti hu.

Kyun?

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The pouring rain in monsoon season
The breaking sunlight in freezing winters
And, the long drive with my favorite person with favorite music.

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While we are going through our own ups and downs,
While life is giving us constant push backs
While we are trying to heal from a trauma that we never acknowledged

Why we forget to live this beautiful life
Why we forget to be grateful for the things we never asked for but we have them to make our life easier
Why we don't acknowledge the fact that life could've been worse than what it is right now.

And we know that there is an end to this tunnel, and it will be drop dead gorgeous!

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Someone asked me, "What sound does it make when you are in love?"

And all I could think about is rain.
The sound of rain
When those drops touch your soul like nothing,
When that gentle push of air, blows your hair to side,
When all you can feel is happiness and calmness in bottom of your heart
In that moment, you don't care what next will come up,
You don't care how much traffic will be there on roads
Or how much messy roads will be.

That moment of tranquility, feels like falling in love for me.

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Does it ever happen, u wish to change the surroundings for the sake of your mental peace.
To bring sanity to your insane mind.
But what if, you wish to escape that insane mind of yours who is creating all toxicity.
Who is responsible for the regular crying sessions and creeping anxiety.
I only wish for some friends, music, art, rain, food, books and coffee.
But what I get is guilt, overflowing anxiety and a heart who never wants to leave that blanket in the morning.

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You're still here
I can't see you
But I can feel your warmth
I can't hear you
But I can listen to that beating heart
I can't touch you
But I feel you're with me
I know you're not here
But heart is saying otherwise

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I wish I could tell you that I still remember how we've met,
How we crossed 'get to know' wala phase
How all our friends used to tease us, ki 'tum dono k beech Kya chl rha h? '
How I end up unfolding my life in front of you.
How you hesitately shared your past
How I used to cry like baby when I wanted to let out, and you patiently used to listen all my blabbering
How my mom used to tease me using your name that she admires you more than me!

I still remember all the memories we made, and all that time, it was all real

And gradually it all faded.

Love.
Attachment.
Feelings.
Friendship.
EVERYTHING.

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Getting away from toxicity is not avoiding challenges,
It's called self care!

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