a black cat waiting
at the gloaming; darkness comes
on quiet tiptoes

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On waiting

It takes patience, and a lot of deep breathing, to get through the long wait from sunup till sundown when you are waiting for seeds to grow. But to bypass the time, all you need is someone who makes your heart skip a beat, and time flows away in the blink of an eye.

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then go. Just don't take my heart with you.

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I am here to collect the debt you owe me. I'm here to claim back my heart.

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whispers from the well
of my being beckons me
and I am at peace

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... I would do it all over again.

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To forget the past

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Ruminating

Looking out of the balcony to see stars laid out on earth is much better than looking down from the same balcony and imagining a corpse with your face sprawled on the floor below. Then you listen to Amanda Palmer singing Australia. Then feel your heart lighten. Or you could look up and see clouds, or a few bright stars, the ones that outshine the lights of the city. Then utter a prayer though your faith is shaky, and then shake your head. You drink some more Coke zero, then it's midnight. You have lived the day. Time to live another one.

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On suicidality

Sometimes you just can't win. All you can do is drown your sorrows in Coke zero (because you can't handle your alcohol) and smoke your ciggies (until someone opens a window) so you don't go hurling yourself over the balcony. Oh, yes, and friends messaging you help as well.

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A Macrame of Emotions

Up, over and through.
A knot here, a knot there.
Two colors intertwine.
Then I pull tighter.
My hands burn
As the cords glide
Through my rough hands.
Inch by small inch
The bracelet is made.
The final knot i cinch
And finality washes over me.

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