It's so easy to say
'you poems have a lot of pain and sadness'
with a haughty intellectual look
as if it is something I was completely unaware of
until you brought it to my notice.
I am an optimistically pessimist and a cynic.
I am a hater of all things I assume are phony.
'Human life is a tragedy' and that's what I agree with.
And not to write that tragedy right in front of your face,
blowing up, shooting off, falling down
is not what I can do.
I write pain because I'm an artist (I think),
because I'm a writer.
Because that is my filter as a writer.
That the world is a sad, ugly place with few glimmers scattered in between.
And human existence is hopping from glimmer to another.

-

I have spent too long learning empathy
to be the cruel one now
even if I can be with no repercussions.
That's not me.

-

I am not a Kdrama or an anime character.
My suffering isn't aesthetic
My pain doesn't make me the 'cool' survivor who can survive anything.
I'm miserable.
It's not beautiful type of suffering
I replay the tasks I need to do in my head
but can't even get out of bed for days.
The only thing stronger than my despair is shame
and these two together makes the world's most vile cocktail.
There's nothing I wouldn't give away to not feel so much, so deep
but this pain is part of my identity too.
I don't know how to live with this.
I don't know how to go ahead in life with this.

-

No matter how many pictures I click
No matter how much I write
Nothing can really show the mess behind the screen.
No way to express the emptiness seeping deep into the very fabric of my existence.
Everything has begun once again
to hurt more, to irritate me more, to sadden me more.
I want to rest.
No more fighting in a war that I can never win.
But not fighting is not an option I can afford.
I'm hoping. I have my fingers crossed.
I'll weather the storm one at a time.
At least I hope to.

-

being rejuvenated after dying of Sunday scaries and Monday blues.

-

Sometimes
hunger is not a result of physical depravity.
Most days, I eat because I feel empty inside.
I know it's a privilege to have food at my disposal in this day and age
and yet, this hunger grows and grows.
There's a gnawing in my belly
ready to devour everything around.
I know greed is a sin and it fills me with shame
but I cannot stop stuffing myself.
In newer terms, I'm using food as a coping
mechanism
for emotions I can't manage.
I do not want to be this way.
I want to be home.
But this greed only grows and one day,
will swallow me whole.

-

I leave everything
hoping to
finally reach home.

-

Keep going
because things are bound to get better.
Keep going
this can't end like this.
Keep going
because there's no light at the end of this tunnel
and because us humans are hardwired to look for a silver lining even in the darkest of grey clouds.
Keep going
not for any logical reason, not for any rationality.
Keep going
because it's the only human thing to do.

-

I might have failed in love but I've never failed in loving.

-

In Endgame multiverse,
in every possibility, Thanos wins, except one.
And they cling to the one possibility where he doesn't.
That's what hope is.
And then, there's tragedy.
Different types, different layouts.
Some tragedies happen because of chances not taken,
some happen because of character flaws,
and then, there are some tragedies
which are the most cruel,
where it doesn't matter if you do things differently next time.
There are some tragedies that exist simply because
the hero is alive and they must fall.
There is no version of their story, in any universe,
where the hero and their happiness exists simultaneously.

-