Right now, all I want is a warm long hug. A hug that tells me that everything will be alright! That I’m loved, seen and that my efforts will pay off.

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I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I realise that I almost don’t have any friends. Yes, I have a few friends - probably 3. But I feel so alone! There’s this pain I feel in my chest, this feeling of not being wanted. And it does not help that I don’t really feel loved. It might be all in my head! It probably is. But regardless, sometimes I feel like if I died today, I won’t really be missed.

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I’ve always found it hard to make friends and retain friends. So I talk alot, laugh a lot, and joke a lot. But none of that has yielded much. Instead I’ve had people come, then leave. It feels like they do not see the value in me. Maybe I’m the problem, maybe I’m not. But one thing I’m sure of, is that I’m done being a people pleaser.

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In the quiet of the night, when I feel all alone, I look around me and all I see is darkness. When would this end? When would I overcome this? When would I finally really start to live, love, and be truly happy? I close my eyes hoping, praying that somehow, some day, I would overcome, and this would be a chapter in my story. The chapter that refined me.

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The thing I feared the most happened.
But not in the way I imagined.
I thought it would be the end of my world.
But it turned out to be the end of a chapter in my world. I’m hopeful and dreadful at the same time. I don’t know what the next chapter holds, but I know who holds the next chapter; God! Duh uh..
I know it will not be the end of me.

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Dear H,

Today I visited a water fall.
While I had fun and played a lot in the water, there were a lot of couples having fun together, and creating unforgettable memories. Suddenly I found myself thinking about what it would feel like to go on these trips with you. We would wear matching clothes, go to nice restaurants, take cute pictures, we would walk hand in hand leaning on one another and steal a few pecks here and there. So on this day, I find myself thinking; where exactly are you, and why are you taking your precious time?

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Dear H,

What’s your best food?
Would you be someone that loves eating a lot, or someone who does not eat much. Would you be a good cook, or someone who doesn’t know his way around the kitchen? From time to time, I ask myself these questions. However, whatever your preference is, I hope you would always be happy to eat the food I cook for you.

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Dear H,

Today I learnt not to take things too seriously.
Someone I spoke to today said something to me that was meant to piss me off, but Instead of getting annoyed, I took it with a pinch of salt and corrected the person.
I’m glad that I am gradually becoming the woman I want to be.
Makes me feel so good.

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Dear H,

Today was quite a sad day for me.
In as much as I want to write to you and cheer you up, there are days I don’t feel like it.
Like today…..
I got some news which made me sad.
Everyday I keep working hard to become the woman I see myself as, but on some days, I make poor choices and feel sad.
This is me telling you that I’ll be fine and that I’ll bounce back. I would create the life for myself that I love, no matter the odds. There’s this saying; “ Life would give you what you want, you just have to pay the wages”. I guess I have to work hard at paying my wages.

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Dear H,

There’s a lot I want to say to you and ask you.
But I would start with this question, how are you?
I’m not asking you how you are for the sake of it.
I really want to know….
I want you to know that whatever you might be going through right now, it’s going to be okay.
I’m rooting for you, praying for you, and believe in you. Don’t use your present circumstance to judge your future. I want you to wake up everyday seeing yourself as the man you want to be, and not as the man you are now, and take conscious daily steps towards it. And just so you know, I’m always here cheering you on.

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