I had a dream last night.

The kind where I was everything and had everything I wanted in the last few years. A thriving career where I loved doing what I did with a sense of purpose & passion, a guy who despite being more successful than me never treated me like a backup, my circle of school friends I lost touch with over time. A simple life where I had freedom of choice and financial security to indulge in materialistic comforts.

I woke up feeling numb, sad and disappointed when I realised it was all an illusion. Now I know that everything that we want or dream of isn’t necessarily in our best interest, but how this alternate trajectory of my life left me feeling so hollow & devastated, confirmed I am not enjoying the present, that I am fed up of the reality that took shape in all these years, and change is desperately required.

I don’t want to find faults in my stars or blame God for testing me and my limits. Maybe I am too young and foolish to understand the meaning and importance of the paths I traveled, maybe what I dreamed last night is no longer what I wish for, but this was definitely a wake-up call, meant to shake me out of the pity I so dearly reserve for myself.

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I dream of you,
so I think of you.

When I think of you,
I dream of you.

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I am too tired and worn out.

Let me pause and have some rest.
Let me take one deep breath.
Let me close my eyes for a moment.
Let me hear the clock ticking,
as possibly slow as I can.

Let me turn and twist my neck.
Let me wash my sweaty hands.
Let me feed my empty stomach.
Let me break into a dance.

Let me lie down on my back.
Let me fall asleep.
Like those days, my “good morning”
would be greeted by my mother’s,
“Dinner is ready, wake up and come eat.”

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How strange it is to be scared of the very thing one has been desperately wishing to come true for so many years. This thought isn’t just peculiar, but also has the attributes of mild stupidity, for however it is possible to want something so bad and yet be afraid of it getting God’s approval.

This thing that I’ve missed having all my life, that has always acquired the top spot in my dream catalog is now almost on the verge of oblivion, and as it is moving closer to getting wiped off the face of reality, I’m failing to see the essence and value it once held in my eyes.

No, I no longer desire a normal family or want them to love each other more than they individually love me. I’ve finally begun to feel the warmth of the reluctance and indifference they’ve reserved only for themselves, and so I refuse to familiarise us with feelings of shared bliss and identity. I’ve come to accept that while I may be able to experience some drops of happiness through other people, it is hopeless to expect them to fall into this barren land.

I need no more surprises, beautiful illusions, or the heartbreak of self-sabotaging dreams. Be my nightmare instead and let me forever fear you.

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jab achcha waqt nahi aata,
tab sab'r aa jata hai.

-

I longed for you
for so long
that I no longer
long for you.

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I've come so far... well, don't we all have?
But I'm afraid I've now gone farther than I should've or I ever intended to.
I think... no, I'm certain that I no longer identify or recognize myself... my true self is what I meant that I've mostly & usually kept hidden & isolated.
So I wonder is this how it died? Out of suffocation & desperation to live? And I also wonder if I or someone (anyone) has the will & the power to bring it back to life?

Lately I'm missing my childhood so much & I'm trying to uncover these beautiful moments that I've lived & loved with my family. I'm guessing it's probably an attempt at rediscovering my true self 'cause ofcourse that's only when I've been fully myself, away from having to act or pretend at all.

This one memory suddenly popped up in my head a while ago. It was about how I & my grandma would come sit outside our home whenever there was a power cut. She'd happily & tirelessly fan me for hours & I'd just look at the stars & admire the beauty of the night & the silence it brings along.

Honestly now the memory feels like a snippet of a movie I've already seen where I'm aware of the plot & its characters but it's no longer the story of my life.

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It's funny how
instead of I'm sad,
what hits you more is
I'm not happy.

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I am sure all of us at some point in our lives have looked at our elders and wondered, "Only if we could stand half as tall as them."

We know it and yet we remind ourselves from time to time that we can never measure up to their stature.

While we all are busy having the same thought almost every single day, I somehow also wonder if our next generation would feel the same way about us.

And if in future, my kids come up to me and say that I'm their super idol, then I cannot even imagine how useless and lazy they would turn out to be.

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Everytime, I and my mother go to a market, she be like: should we get another mask?

Me: YES! WE REALLY HAVE TO. We are just one mask away from a spectacular century of masks.

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