Does it matter how many steps
i took backwards,
All those times trembling in fear,
Sweating with anticipation.
Who will decide
Was that all worth,
Or my heart turned cold
For absolutely nothing.

-

At one point i understood what it meant
To ache for someone,
To be so deep in love that it hurts
Like a sword twisted slowly in your gut.
Not to only be with that person
But to also occupy their mind,
The constant hunger to be
A part of their thoughts,
To fill every void of their soul.

-

Anxiety is a funny thing,
One moment you feel okay, motivated
And happy enough, almost like a optimist.
The next moment that feeling is snatched away, like something disappearing into
Deep fog,
Taking away the freedom of thoughts,
Clouding them with nothing but
Impending dooms.
And the cycle is vicious,
You are left hanging like a damn
pendulum between the two.

-

You rushed through
my fingers just like
the river and i was left
only with a handful
of memories.

-

I crave all the chaos in my mind
And my heart,
All the pain and confusion i endure
Are imperative,
Because without them
I'm only as much alive as a cadaver.

-

You felt like a cold breeze
That came through the window
I left open unknowingly
On a summer night,
Touched my skin like
a silver drop
Wild, Soothing,
Unpredictable.
And left me aching for more.

-

The day when you will finally ask me,
That did i miss you,
I'll simply smile and turn away.
I'll pretend as if,
I've not burned for your touch
And slept with dried tears on my skin.
As if I've not screamed
And bawled like child
Just to hear your voice,
As if i did not wake up in the middle of
Night to just check whether you
Read my letters,
As if i was not filled with terrible rage
On some days that i wanted
To shake you and
Ask you that did i even exist in your mind,
Like the way your thoughts have plagued mine.

-

I often wondered,
What weighed the mother
earth more
The graves and coffins
Or the tears shed in grief and agony.

-

Sometimes i really want you to
Understand my words,
Not the one i speak
But the ones i deliberately
try to hide.
The ones that i fail to deliver
Yet you absorb them
through my eyes.

-

As a child,
I was told to always save
my loved ones.
Was always taught
to protect them,
To be a saviour and a hero.
What i wasn't been told was,
The first person whom
i must protect is
Me.
That i was needed to be saved
from my own self the very first.
Why i had to learn this the hard way.
Why wasn't i was told to
be my own savior.
Why i wasn't taught to
protect myself.
Why i understood it only after breaking down
A million times.
Why i have to pay the price
of their incomplete teachings.
Why.

-