I wonder where you are
and what you must be doing
how you are feeling
what you are thinking
but I guess it's not the same for you
with every day passing
you keep showing me
how used you are
to a life without me
while I keep missing you
you moved on to someone new.

I wonder when this pain will end
and what it will take along
how it can be erased
why I cant separate myself
from my love for you
but how am I supposed
to forget and move on
when I found myself in us
the only time I felt free
was in your embrace
how can I live
when the name of safety
was yours.

-

After everything you've done
you still find ways
to hurt me.
And I will never understand
less than a year ago
you claimed I was the most important person of your life
but now I have to learn
you would forget me
while I still think about you
every night.
But everyone says to learn the lesson
so I guess I have to see
that my love was endless
but your words didn't mean anything
that your actions showed clearly
how you could never love me.

-

And one day you'll see
how I kept loving you
even when you were gone
that I still defended you
after you left me with only silence
that I would hold on to you
as you came with your broken heart
that I still tried to fix it
for you
because you were everything to me
and even though I never said it
i wrote a proposal
that I'll never get to speak
I put you in my last will
that I still have to change
you are still my safe place
my soul still recognised you
even when my mind understood the truth
you are gone
and I will have to live with this grief
that you didnt love me enough to fight
that you would leave me without looking back
I will not be sad forever
but some part of my died that day
when you told me
it would be better to go a different way

-

and the nights make me wonder
what my life would be
if my heart was less loving
my hands less eager
my mind less caring
and my soul weaker
for as far as I know
this world is not build
for someone like me

-

Do you think about me
when you stand in the rain
or stand in a pool
Do you remember our silly games
and endless calls
Do you reminisce
when you hear that certain song
or see those movie that we used to love
or maybe you dont recall
and our history is being rewritten
while every day you make new memories
Are you forgetting me
night by night a little more
until there is no "us" left anymore

-

Every night I wonder
how you are
what your life is like
and I dont even admit
neither to myself not to any friends
how you keep me awake
that I started praying again
for you to be safe
that I often wonder
what I could have done
the ways I should have helped
so I lay awake to wonder
when my love will fade
and the memories will loose their power
and my birthday doesn't seem like a day to connect
I wish I did not
I cant believe I do
but here I am
another sleepless night
just because I keep missing you

-

And I hope you know
that whenever you leave,
every time that I have to read
that I've been blocked
it feels like you ripped out my heart
and stomped on it real hard.

I hope that you know
that I still love you
how much I hate that I do care
what you're doing and how you feel
I really thought we had a deal

And I hope someday you'll realise
what you have done
that we could have been friends
and would have had so much fun
how my love will never end
but I cant keep you in my life

for every time you leave
it shatters my heart
until all I am left with
is grief

-

You've heard me overshare
every detail of my day
you've seen me jump
out of joy
you've seen me cry my eyes out
and you even saw me getting loud
and now you know
how quiet I get
when I feel low

-

And you'll never know what I have been through
what you made me do
how I couldn't eat nor sleep
how my world turned upside down
all just within one week.
You will never know how much I cried
how detached from myself I became
during that fight.
You will never know how I lost all trust
after everything we have been through
It ended, just like that
and I still can't understand
how you feel no regret.

-

And here I am.
Not allowed to talk to you
while she calls you 60 times a day
here I sit wondering whatever i did
why I had to endure a month of silence
while you talk to her
afraid, what she might do next.
I walk at night wondering
why I cant pick up the pen
to cross you out of my last will
why I havent thrown out
all our memories, pictures and gifts.

Why do I hold on to you
when you don't want me
even after all we've been through?

-