You, a beautiful mess. You seemed perfectly hopelessly hopeful about love. I wonder what was between us? And then I brush it off. I don't want answers, I don't want reality. You were someone I put all my trust into. I wished I could wrap you around my arms and sing a lullaby to you or just do anything for you. I was disgustingly hateful towards myself for everything. For falling in love with you. For thinking I am worth being loved by you. I genuinely don't think otherwise even now. I thought about the time when I cried in front of you for hours. It's something I remember now. The way you called my name. Can anything be sweeter than that?
Sometimes we have nothing to live for but then we see a glimpse of hope and we follow it blindly. You were that for me. I wanted to be better for you which I couldn't do by resenting myself but silly me didn't know it.-
Food got stuck between my teeth,
I stand star struck watching the rain.
I know
When poems and stories
both slip away from my head,
They go and sit comfortably
between the clouds
And I wait, desperately
for the rain.-
I want to erase the part of myself which can't breathe in front of him.
That part of me which is still scared of him.
I want to erase my smile and eyes which he said he liked.
Can I go back in the moment and stop myself from sharing my dreams to him?
I want to erase that part of myself which made him think he can do the things he did.-
I pray for you as I am on the verge of breaking down myself. I don't believe in gods and miracles but I pray for you. I make sure I disappear. If I hide myself somewhere, will I get better? If I hide myself, will you be better?
A thought came into my mind. A wierd one. What if I had met you now, when I am trying to heal? I pray in the evening. Sleeping early had made sure I don't end up thinking about you at night. I wish you never get know about my struggles now. What's the point now? I want to avoid you at all cost. I stopped writing because my inks remember you. Should I cry and tell everyone I lost you. What's the point now?
They told me it happens once in a lifetime. When you make him your faith and you wait for him for years just to say, "No". I didn't even love you like that.
I loved you like the last hope that girl had on the leaf. In my story, the leaf fell.
I don't keep you in my thoughts so I can avoid writing about you, but I promise to keep you in my prayers.-
How could I describe
love in a less clichèd way?
Should I say yours was lava
and I tried to lick it off?
-
I buried it long ago. Or I believe it washed away with time. That 'heavy' in my heart went away with it. I think it never goes forever. It knocked at my door again.
I stayed silent. Sat silently by the door. Shush. But the door burst open.
Why did you do that? Why did you break my heart into two? It knows. I told you. I had told you, right? It knows everything.
Like a wolf it pounced on me. I was consumed by it again. I lost yet again.
And I didn't know when that heaviness in my heart returned, recognising it's old throne.-