Bitterness

I am in this paradoxical state of mind currently

A place I don't think I deserve to be in
I hurt people, I lie, I break trust, I cause pain

And still have the audacity to hold my head high
when it rather should be hung in shame

Don't know why I became like this
Sometimes I wish to scrub myself off me

I wash and shower, and lather myself in foam,
But the stains lie there, which my self can see

Neither good in academics, nor good in character,
And still, the world calls me good

I should be slapped and beaten, black and blue
And would have killed me if I could

I still stand, with a blackened conscience
And walk, more of crawl

Though I do wish to disappear from the world
While in the dungeon of self-hate I fall

-

मन ख़्वाब बुनता है

भर दोपहरी बागीचों से रजनीगंधा चुनता है
इंद्रधनुष के धागों से मेरा मन ख़्वाब बुनता है

मिलती हुं शयन में जब तुम हौले से मुस्काते हो
छूना जो चाहूं बादल में चांद सा छुप जाते हो
खिलखिलाते हुए शशि को यह सारा नभ सुनता है
और इंद्रधनुष के धागों से मेरा मन ख़्वाब बुनता है

रसोईघर में चाय बनाते कोई नाम बुलाता है
बिखरे केश, शुभ्र वेश में तुम्हारा चेहरा झलकाता है
रवि भी जिसके रोम रोम में बसा सुवर्ण चुनता है
इंद्रधनुष के उन धागों से मेरा मन ख़्वाब बुनता है

अब सुबह दोपहर शाम रात उसकी आहट को सुनता है
जब इंद्रधनुष के धागों से मेरा मन ख़्वाब बुनता है

-

Hurt

"Suddenly I saw his face clearly, it was him. He was wearing a shirt, probably blue, with the sleeves rolled up and jeans.

The dusk suddenly became darker."

-

Peace with War

Tons of words whispered, some left unsaid
From my lacrimals, now I let them shed
Ambling across you is what my soles dread
Yet in the inky dark, you sleep in my bed

Flowers that then blossomed, now stand dead
Crumpled petals, fallen leaves, looks like bloodshed
In my hazy memory, I let this scene embed
Your last smile is still what I see in their deathbed

The heart fills with despair, teeth grind with regret
Still the psyche feels serene, and I let the grief melt
And a voice softly whispered something to me and said
"Seems you are at peace with the war in your head"

-

1. I fear being left alone with my own thoughts because I know the devil of self-hatred brooding within me is too powerful and will destroy me.

2. I fear investing my feelings in somebody because the apprehension of their rejection is more overwhelming than my thin hope of being liked by them.

3. I fear being a 'Jack of all trades master of none' due to my inability of being able to focus in my career but being more interested in other aspects of life.

4. I fear losing my identity in this world of make-believe, amidst the innumerable tags people are divided into.

-

बंधन

भावनाओं के गुल्दस्ते को
शर्तों के धागों में लपेट
हम दे देते हैं तोहफा
खोखली खुशियों का I

-

Anguish

Wanna gouge my eyes out
Smash my skull with a hammer
Vacate my gut capacities
Empty my tear glands
Yank my hairs out
Chop off my head
Let the blood ooze off
Sink my teeth in metal bricks
Submerge me in ice slabs
Shriek till I lose my voice

-

That feeling

Just the feeling of something so strong that it's nothing. The tingles running in the back of your neck, the heaviness in your stomach, the continuous nibbling of your lips, the pumping of the chest. That feeling. Finally setting your life a bit more straight. Of probably finally liking him more than you had thought you do. Of dreaming of a future, a happy one. Of still sleeping to bed drenched in a pool of tears, waiting for a day when your head will be patted. Of one more accomplished day of productivity, and one more day spent in waiting. Of random daydreams. Of being engrossed in your academics and all of a sudden thinking of him.

Just a feeling of, living.

-

Lonely

It's 12. Im lonely. Im weeping. The tears are streaming down my cheeks, uncontrollably. I have no strength to control them, no wish to. My lips are dry and crusty, while my pillow is wet. The night is eerie. The sky is dark, my bed is empty, and I'm lonely. I won't cry, won't wail, won't weep. I can't show my swollen eyes and sunken cheeks in the dawn of the day.

My chest is aching, and the heart is longing. For a day which won't feel so lonely anymore. When my hair will be stroked and palms will be enveloped in warmth. When the bed will sink and the duvets wrinkled. When words will be spoken and feelings shared. When lips will be shut and touch will whisper. Till then, I'm lonely.

-

A slice of love

"..Placing it on the table I sit down opposite to you, adjusting my dupatta slightly and smile at you cheerily in hopes of diffusing some of the stress from your mind. You smile back. The same smile which has enchanted me since long. The warmth will be enough on a chilly winter night to melt me.."

-