you know...

meeting you was...
easy, distant, compassionate, friendly.
safe.

getting to know you was...
surprising, vibrant, funny, delightful.
laughter, art, meals prepared for me.
amazing.

touching you was...
intoxicating, overwhelming, soul-stirring, addictive.
home.

loving you was...
devastating, disappointing, saddening, living on hold.
cancelled trips, late for dates, silent phones, shrugged shoulders, diplomatic face.
cannot, will not, too tired, sorry.

leaving you will be done in a minute.
...just wait and see.

-

I met you again at the bar, one night before new year's eve.

I was shocked at first, but then remembered how much I have grown since we met, and I calmed down.

And our dance started again.
You coming closer, the room between us, you talking, my friends with yours.
All the same, but then I realized that the invisible bond between us had been lifted, and I could move freely, happy to have left behind the time when I missed you so much I could have screamed.
I felt safe, full of peace and love from a distance.
I felt free.

I want to see you again, you said, and I hesitated. Am I making a mistake?
Of course not, my friends said, there are no second chances.

And I hugged you, before we were leaving, and you didn't let go as you used to do.
And I didn't let go as I used to do.
And suddenly I remembered how we have been together, your back familiar under my hands,
and the wave of yearning rolled over me and crushed me to the ground.

Somehow I made it out of there.

And since that night I am wondering, was it a mistake to leave?

-

you were talking a lot.

skillful. subtle.
full of analogies and smiles.

the only thing I understood
was the big No
between your words.

again and again,
in different forms and shades.

-

my house is safe.
my family is safe.
my friends are safe.

but you are not safe.
so you need to leave.
now.

-

I am not a warrior.

I am a sailor.
And I sail on the flow
of mind, body, and soul.

And music.
Always music.

-

i don't know
what went wrong;
i don't know
what is taking you so long.

everybody is trying
to come back to me,

except you.

-

I thought
you were
running away
from me,
when all the time
you were running away
from yourself.

-

will you fight
or leave?

-

when tables are turned,
character shows.

-

Did your forget
to live as well?
Shall I remind you?
Of joint dreams, golden clouds, and...

-