GOODBYES

Most are nice,
Some make you lighter,
A few are tough,
Very few are impossible.

Then there are some
which aren’t,
Those are with me
through dark and bright,

Why box them in
good or bad,
They are with me
Inside me.

I embrace, listen and celebrate
them?
Only to find
me in them.

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Observation of an analytical mind

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a warm embrace to self,

a smile within,

the stillness in a dance,


a kiss on the forehead of my younger self,

glint on the dried cheeks,

a massage to the eyes,


got nowhere else to be,

knowing my skin is my home,

my heart beats for the oppressed.

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A darker night,

I am awake,
Staring into the void,
The silence therapeutic,
Clouds morph to haze,

Can’t see whats beyond,
Was clearer a while ago,
Will be again,

The darkness lifts,
Dazed humans are up,
Boisterously busy,
Cluelessness reigns,

Glad I sleep through,
Darkness beckons,
Hope hides somewhere,

The game gets darker.

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There are ways to live life,
Each one has their own path,
Some plan, some flow,
Some lead, some follow,
None right, none wrong,

Live the way we want,
Love our chosen people,
Laugh, cry, sing, dance, play,
When we leave,
Are the ashes burnt or wet?

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LOVE

The heart beats,
Eyes see,
It’s how we live.

Heart feels,
Tears well up,
It’s what we live for.

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THE KINDEST HUMAN BEING

A childhood friend’s mother (aunty) was relieved from her life which was controlled by the last stage of Alzheimer’s during the final phase of her life.

Aunty lived her life paying off debts as a school teacher while bringing up her two sons. She exuded sheer warmth and love. I may have seen a tear or two in her eyes but never a sad word from her mouth.

My friend and I would bunk class and go to his home (working parents = empty house) and eat from what aunty had cooked and left on the table for her sons. My tryst with andhra food began there. And those who know me will attest to the fact that I have never been satisfied with any Andhra restaurant I have been to. I am probably still looking for the flavour that reminds me of aunty. But nothing can come close. Not anymore.

She set my friend and his brother up for success in life and didn’t really live long enough to see them enjoy what they have now built. She struggled through most of her life. And death was so horribly slow that when we heard the news the first reaction was, “oh finally she is relieved from her pain!”

I am sorry, Aunty. We never deserved you. I hope you are in a better place now!

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LOVED

Caught a glimpse of her,
Brought back a flash of memories,
Time with her was the time of my life,
Love like that happens once in a lifetime,
I am just doing time,
She fills my heart with warmth and softness,
Was a time when togetherness was happiness,
She was a person of her own and so was I,
We melted when together,
Frozen are those memories,
Warms and flows through my eyes,
Do I close them to be with the memories?
Or play hide and seek with these chance glimpses?
She’s more mine now than she would have been,
There’s little difference in having loved and lost,
With being deluded.

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GROW ALONE

Dug a burrow,
Isolated from what,
To be warm to whom?

Enveloped by cold,
Wrote my journals,
To witness my growth.

I want to heal,
From my injuries,
I meditate upon them.

Distance grows,
Indifference calms,
Detached delusion brews.

I am doing only as much as I can.
You want to be in?
What are you doing more than you can?

People drop off,
I am at the center,
Of my world.

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When we interact with another person that’s a whole thing in itself. It consumes us, if we let it. In such a consumed state there are moments where we escape reality. Not by intellect, but by experience. This flight, sometimes, lands us in a zone where only the both of us exist. In this zone, we are able to feel the other’s feelings within us. When the other has an anxiety attack, even your chest collapses. When the other is going through an emotional upheaval, you feel it too. That zone of experience is invaluable. To feel another person inside oneself. To know that the other person is inside us. It is intense. It can wreck you or make you. Either way, you are better off. Many people go through life without any experience of intensity. If you are getting to this zone with someone, jump right in. Even the mess in this zone is better than the air of freedom outside of it.

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