I wasn't born at midnight
I am still that 18 year old
My story isn't perfect
Just as life isn't

I don’t understand this emptiness
inside of me
Somedays, pure euphoria drowns me
and I try to make it stay
The anguish follows and it engulfs me.

I wish I understood it, maybe then,
I could talk about it and feel better
There are days I wish to be seen
beyond my covers and other days
I enjoy my insanity in silence.

-

Let the ink spill on a plain sheet
like the drop of blood on innocence
Revealing truths hidden beneath my soul
I used to have an idea of the outcome
Now, I do not have a storyline

Let the whirling emotions sink
creating flashes in my mind for 1/2 min
For the other half, I'm blank
The numbness and lost facade
seeping in, at the same time,
I think it's all in my head

I do not have enough words to tell
Habits never die, yeah?
Well, I'm stuck on relapsing
I'd test death with my weapon again
Hoping it would lose the game, this time.

-

Acceptance?
I mentally scrolled through
our old texts and memories.
The ones before the time where flames were high
And the ones where all that was left
was the burnt smell of pain and loneliness

Somewhere inside of me
I knew we could never go back to those days
No matter how hard I tried.
It just won't be the same.

Neither could we go back
to the days before it all
When these unknown feelings and
painful emotions were nowhere near the surface.

-

Don't try to build someone
Because they'll end up leaving you
more broken than they ever were.
Without any remorse.

They'll be back to their own life
You'd be left struggling to pick up
the pieces of yours
And you'll keep crawling back
to them hoping they'll mend you

Sorry, but all I see is you on your
knees trying to get up
Yet crumbling from
the weight of being broken.

-

On some nights,
I am that lady trying to get my shit together
On some nights,
I am she who listen to her friends rant.

On some nights,
I am her who cannot sleep without the soothing melody of my playlist.
On some nights,
I am that lady that thinks back to every good memories and wonders why it had to end.

On other nights,
I crave to be cuddled and treated like a child.
I yearn for human touch regardless of how much I hate being touched.
I covet listening to another's heartbeat and feeling it rhyme with mine

-

In my fuzzy memory
It started with a crack in my wall
Has your ever-faithful heart ever shut your whole brain out?

Abruptly, found myself on the floor
Trying to claw my way through sanity in desperation.

Barely making it
Only to see how I was

-

I have this tired and overwhelmed look
imprinted in this beauty of mine
Seconds away from hot spilling tears
All that's left is a warm feeling
which seems to be missing.

At such moments,
I realise what they say is indeed true
You cannot always be the shoulder
You're allowed to be lost and agitated
It's okay to crave comfort
Do not lose yourself

So many words
Little understanding
Closed up emotions
Limited hands to hold
Peace in the chaos of my mind

-

3:02 am
I decided to surf through my head
To figure what bothers me
All that is taking the space up

Filled to the brim
Vile thoughts
Overwhelmed in the discomfort
Of confusion and gloom

I am told to speak up
To confide in someone
But how then do you
Explain what you cannot comprehend

-

An unhealthy obsession
Too stuck up in my thoughts
Let's go back to those nights
When serenity was the order

Daily, as the light dimmed
Slowly, I'm fading
Burning out like cigarettes on the table
The time is closer

-

Keeping a lot sheltered
Protecting it from the breeze of life
Held tight for as long as possible
Once bitten, twice shy.

-