I did not sleep that night. I kept thinking about Amanda.
Sometimes, or maybe often, thinking about someone makes you contemplate both their presence and absence at the same time
but it is not as often that it feels good and this time, it felt bad.
There is a time, I thought, when people are needed to be pulled out from our skin.
Like a bandage that keeps hold of the wound getting pulled off it. And while there is a certain satisfaction in actual pulling of bandage and tore skin of the wound; the pulling off people without having them actually close by is plain tyranny.
I rolled in my bed and glanced at the table clock. It was 2:48 am in the clock. I grabbed my phone and dialed to her.
She attended after second ring. Maybe she was awoke too.
"Hello." I muttered.
"I am sad." She said.
"You said we are going, and it's just that we are going to different places."
"I resent that, it felt good while I said it after you. But now I see, by the time sun will cover the clouds of tomorrow, you would be gone. And I shall be here.
It is a honest thing to say that it's not the going that makes me sad, it is the staying that does." I said.
"At a time, I used to think that universe gives a shit to everything I do. Like it counts if I killed a bee today or saved a hen or if the ugly Cheryl young snatched my chocolate.
I would think everyone gets a fair deal in this world.
But it is not so.
Out of everything that could be wanted in this world, I want you Everett. And this wish stays."
"It is hard, you know"
"It is hard realizing you are in love while you are just about to lose it.
But I am in love with you, and now when it appears to be the most obvious thing that has ever occurred to me, I want to say it a million times, quiet and quieter towards the universe, so that you would be the last person to hear it. I want you to remember it until it fades away from everywhere else.
I wish if we could have more days, or a little more of the forever we always talked about."
I felt a tear on my lips.
"Yes, me too." She said.
I wanted more of her words.
And more of everything. The days, her eyes, of voice and of myself and of infinite things those had ever existed while our time had ran out.
After a pause, she said
"Being in love is like knowing the ocean is blue, may or may not its water be. You see, love is knowing without having."
I thought for a while.
"We should sleep." I said.
I disconnected. keeping my phone beside the table clock, I looked toward the slow moving ceiling fan. I sat up with the pillow crushed in between my lap and elbows.
"It is stupid" I shouted.
"It is stupid to think of love as something about knowing without having. Love could be about a thousand different things but it is sure not about not having.
What is the point of being in love with someone without having them?"
There was nobody around to reply.
I fell back on my bed, staring the fan.
I concluded, not everyone gets a fair deal in this world.
13 JUN AT 0:55