July 19, 2020
I was looking around my Id. I realized that I have removed my pen name from a prolonged time. From "Kriti" to "An unknown soul" and from "An unknown soul" to again "Kriti", my journey has been surreal. I recalled the reason for its removal. I had apprehended my soul and its purpose, hence it was no more unknown. But since then I could not crown myself with a new pen name. I could not shift it from unknown to known.
Maybe my soul is known yet wandering around the blank pages, the dancing words, the unfelt emotions, the evaporated tears, somewhere around something. Or maybe it's waiting for that person to crown me with a pen name because of whom I started writing.
Maybe it's not wandering, but waiting. Maybe its not lost but hidden.-
August 24, 2020
From
"yaar aaj bunk karne ka man kar raha hai"
to
"yaar ab college jane ka man kar raha hai",
college life happened.-
July 19, 2020
I was travelling through my notepad of phone. It had various drafts since 2 years when I joined YourQuote. I started reading the most old ones which had pain, struggle, sufferings and discomfort. Alongside I also started to amend them into a meaningful writeup. But I failed everytime. I tried numerous drafts but failed on all of them.
Then, I started with the recent ones. They had hope, victories, positivity, purpose and happiness. I tried to amend them. They automatically reshaped themselves into a new identity. It seemed as if the words were enjoying coming out of their nutshell.
I realized that this is what is called a journey. This is what writing has gifted me. This is what has made me shift from blaming myself to celebrating myself.
The next moment I smiled and wrote yet another draft as "You owe my eternal loyalty ."-
July 29, 2020
I was pondering over the actions of my past. Some made me embarrassed, while some made me smile. Some made me look down upon myself, while some made me proud of myself being able to overcome their repercussions. But what was constant throughout was that I could survive with the deadliest wounds. Those wounds which I dried, to escape from seeing myself in their reflection.
Today, when sometimes my wounds start clotting, I cover it with a band-aid of acceptance. But, they reflect me, every single time I try to unsee me in them. Now I know why! They make me remember that I was me yesterday, I am me today, and I will be me tomorrow.
Everything that belongs to me, has me and everything that has me, belongs to me. What matters is- acceptance.-
July 15, 2020
I was sitting in my room and was watching a slideshow of my past in my mind. It started from the people that came in my life one day and went the next day. It continued with the people who stayed a little longer, but also went away in the end. It ended with the people that are still staying, but are unsure until when.
A few moments later, I realized that due to all these ups and downs, I have lost connections with people. In fact, I have lost knowing how to make one. I remember, how I used to blame myself for this!
But now, I don't regret cutting off people. Because now, I don't cut off myself from them rather cut them off from me. I no more give some of myself to them and left, to me. I either give all of me to them or none to them. And never forget to give all of me to me.-
September 3, 2020
Today I cried for continuous 4 hours. I gulped down the lump in my throat every half an hour. My head was heavy as a heap of hot wet clothes. I cried. I wiped my tears. I cried again. I wiped again. I cursed myself with every bad things to happen with me. I even prayed to god to give me corona. I just wanted to give up my breaths. Every breath felt a burden.
Now, I am writing this sitting in the same dark room where I cried beside that same teddy bear to which I hugged while crying. But now I am not crying. I am smiling. No, I was not suffering. I was surviving. Even though I wished to die the next breath I take, I didn't die. I survived.
Now I'll go infront of the mirror, wash my face, see my burning red eyes, give a smile to the mirror and pretend like nothing happened. This is life.-
July 16, 2020
I was in my balcony. I was watching my money plant grow and climb with the support of another plant. And then I realized that it teaches us so much about relations.
The way it grows taking the support of other plant teaches us that two people in any relation must grow mutually. Each one of the two must support the other in every way possible. It proved the equation 1+1 = 2 very well.
But at the same time the two plants don't lose their individuality. They continue to hold different identities. They continue to have different shape of leaves, different sizes of stems and even different names. This teaches us that even if two people are associated with each other, they must not lose their unique identity. They must not lose their originality. It also proved the equation 1+1 = 11 very well.
The next moment my smile climbed beautifully with the support of my lips. And I went back in my room.-