I look at the void inside me,
& it's deep and dredgerous.

Filled with an enormous heap;
Heap of guilt, regrets, heartbreaks, & sadness.

I'll carry that to grave until my last breathe,
I want to feel that, for as we say, to feel the pain is to feel alive.

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When you lose someone,
You don't just miss the person;
You miss the touch of their hands,
The taste of their lips,
The warmth of their hugs,
The sound of their giggles,
The pattern of their breathes,
The footsteps of their arrival,
The energy of their company,
The gloominess of their departure,
The blossomness of their laugh,
The sarcasm of their taunts,
The fear of their rage,
The sounds of their heartbeats.

There's an entire life of heartbreak they leave behind.

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There are things I left behind in life. There are people I lost in course. There are dreams which will never be fulfilled. There are imaginations which would never be reality.
Words so simple, yet so deep.
I carry a guilt of not being enough.
Not being enough to save people. Not being enough to make people stay. Not being enough for many things I thought I'll be able to do.
"Till you love, you live; then you survive".
Days change and I keep expecting a change, the guilt to get lighter, the pain to fade, the memories to stay, but it seems hard to stay now, hard to keep holding on; Willing to take leave now.
"I must not need someone to survive the day".

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I am writing this post to thank every single person who stood by me in my tough time. This year has been pretty rough and introduced me to some harsh realities of life. People who sacrificed their safety and comfort to stand with me and my family, who never made me feel alone and offered their presence whenever I needed. Abhishek bro I can't ever thank you enough for things you did. I owe you bro♥️ Even after tremendous efforts, I lost someone closest and dearest but the rough time made me realise who really cares for me and who pretends. While there were people who told me to move on and other shit, there were people who told me take my time; accept the pain; and progress slowly. That's how actually it works. While there were people who left me for how I behaved in my rough times, there were people who tolerated me in my worst behaviour. I am thankful to everyone for everything and God forbid but if the day comes when you'll need me, I'll stand with each one of you. Thank you💓

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No matter who you're or what you're going through.
Send me an essay about how your day was and what's
bothering you.
I will read it.

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It's been a long time since I spent time with me. Maybe it's for my best. The voices and visions, they keep my thoughts aligned to something less sad. In silence and dark, they devour my peace. It takes me through a flashback of all the dark moments in my life : The people i lost, the decisions I made, the realisation that things will be same for this life and yet you've to survive, the realisation that I'll crave for some people but they won't be around, the realisation that acceptance is more hard than happenings. A million thoughts like this I gift to me when I spend time with myself.

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I feel like I'm not the same person anymore. Things which excited me, feel numb now. Ambitions which kept me motivated, feel useless now. Hangouts are not same anymore. I drag my body to places, with a part of my mind stuck somewhere. I carry a grave of emotions, not being able to portray them in words. Guilt and grief has taken over me. I spend a lot of time smoking cigarettes standing on Broadway. I leave places too soon, not knowing where I'm headed next. I'm in a hurry. I've to get somewhere, yet to realise where. Alcohol soothes me, helps me sleep, drizziness feels good, confusion gives relief, when thoughts are not clear and mind focuses on walking straight, I feel light. I feel dying, lungs losing grip, head throbbing in pain, mind losing control.
- things people don't say

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साल दर साल और उम्र तलक
मैंने भागती दुनिया से कदम मिलाने की कोशिश की
बहुत तेज़ भागा और बहुत दूर पहुंचा ।

अचानक रुका और मुड़के देखा
पीछे धुंधली यादें आगे बंजर शहर
बहुत देर सोचा कि कहां पहुंचा ।

सब भाग रहे इस खातिर भागा
कोई पकड़ा हाथ तो छोड़ कर भागा
फिर जहां भी पहुंचा अकेले पहुंचा ।

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मृत्यु का सबसे भयानक रूप वह है जब जीने की इच्छा और संवेदनाएं मर जाएं परंतु जिम्मेदारियों की बेड़ियां ज़िंदगी में जकड़ रखें ।।

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Bad times reveal true faces.
It's ironic how you blindly have faith in one person to be the backbone in all bad times and instead they prove to be the only one adding to your trauma.
Toxic people do anything to get attention and that's the most toxic thing about them.
You're allowed to chose peace and walk away.

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