For lack of better words, I am going to say that at present life feels surreal as if a dark and opaque veil that eclipsed my happiness and expression of emotions for years has began lifting up or rather has been lifted up.

I don’t walk on eggshells. I don’t feel scrutinised and I no longer believe that I am not good enough to be loved and lived with. I have learned not to get attached with labels like “Oh I am difficult to be with” or “Oh I am an Aries so I must behave this way”. I try becoming a better person not just for others but for myself so the space in my head feels pleasant.

No I am not trying to brag here. I am just figuring out life and much of it learned through experiences. I feel grateful for all that’s there now because I know how it feels not to have loving and trustworthy people around, not to have reliable and approachable colleagues or bosses. I know what it feels like when you can’t talk to anyone about a day gone wrong or a week gone wrong. I don’t know what I did - if it’s meditation or Shambhavi or changing my thought patterns to stop being a damsel in distress or devotion but I feel blessed, protected, secure, loved and enough!

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Do they know?
We hear their voices, we see their angry face
And when we hit our low, they grow on us even more

Do they know?
We are trying to rebuild within & outside

We want to know if they know and they’re proud
of breaking us bad while they held us close,
of shaking us to the core, breaking our trust
of fiddling with our head, filling our voids with self doubt

I hope they know now everyone knows our story
It was not just imagination running wild
We were not demonizing
we were not crying for nothing
We didn’t walk out for nothing
Everyone knows about their lies and hollow glory

Do they know?
We are not playing anymore
We are but not an extension of their beliefs
We are but not their subject and toys

Do they know we know,
that they are broken too?
Do they know we get to get better
but they live with their sick damned minds forever?

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Its 11:02 pm at Munnar right now. With my partner enjoying his sleep post a good spa session and the city falling into a calming yet eerie silence, I find my solace in this book “Whole Again” by Jackson MacKenzie.

I have been mesmerised by this book. It has been put together so well that you believe in the author. It is not bookish. It tells you about all types of mental and emotional wounds and you know which is yours. It helps you find your way back - sirf technique batayega, karna khud ko hai!

One of the lines in the book talks about having a higher power in life, the higher power simply any being, belief that showers us with unconditional love so we learn to love ourselves better.

I have been through this. When all was lost to darkness, when the numbness within just grew stronger it was Krishna with whom I established this bond of looking up to him as the divine love, protector, someone who would always look after me.

But I am still navigating this whole thing of healing because there is so much to heal from and while it might take a long long time to reach to the other end of this journey - I believe I have come to like the process itself.

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When surrounded by darkness
Darkness of hatred, betrayal, lies and despair
A hand reaches out to you, a divine intervention
To save you from the endless pit of darkness
A clarion call that let bygones be bygones
Here’s your today, go build a new life
Be your hero be your saviour
Let not what happened be the only highlights
Build and create your own highlights and wins
And that my dear was Lord Krishna for me
A magical moment that changed how I see life, people, incidents, challenges and wins.

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A secure man becomes a biggest strength for a woman. When she feels she is free to express her thoughts loud, that she would be heard and acknowledged and not dismissed.

When she is supported to conquer her dreams. You may ask how? I think it’s the little day to day things that matter. Shared responsibility of chores at home. Not a strict 50-50 but something that comes from a mindset of making each other’s life easier.

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I don’t live in it, but in my mind it’s still my home
The one where I spent my childhood. It was rented, broken, imperfect but it was my home. I knew we had to follow the rules and protocols especially at night, locks in the main gate and room adjacent to main door to be locked. Alarm set for 6 am to catch the school bus.

We had a legit backyard full of plants and flowers. Unlike the city life, water was supplied twice a day.
Once in the wee hours of morning, and then afternoons or evenings. Daily power cuts were a norm and an excuse to gather and gossip with neighbours.

Unlike the city sky, the sky in my town was visibly full of stars and moon.

It’s the home where I had my firsts -
First steps of adolescence, first crush, first love, and also appeared for the first GOAT - the 10th boards. And it was the first time there that I stepped outside home for studies and have been away since.

And it’s been years since then that we changed houses and now we have shifted from the town too.
And now settled in new cities and new home, but in my dreams & in my subconscious, that old broken house that we left years ago is still where my heart belongs .

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It’s true it doesn’t feel lonely
The heart has found its home and heartg
But tell me how do I let go of
Years of agony, pain, anxiety and torment
No I don’t want to hold them
But I want the world to see
The weights that have weighed me down
The burden that shrunk me down
I want people to remember
I have risen time and again
And wish me kinder sea

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He is special because he always brings out the best in me

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Baby steps are hard to see
Easy to take and that's why
The world claps when we just call it
a giant leap of faith
But so many sleepless nights
Days of driven discipline go unseen
Are we looking for quick fixes?
Such fixes let me tell you do not exist
Life hardly gives a second chance
When you miss the first 500
Take the plunge, take the baby steps
Before all that's left is a lifetime of regret

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Elixir of Love

People say men must be tough,
Must mature earlier than their age
To bear responsibilities tears and emotions they must keep at bay
And yet I see men of different shades
I see men who care, who cry, who express, who dream, who love.
I see men who are kind, funny, sensitive and giving..

And to the man who owns my heart
Teaches me to be a better human
I always think I got lucky to meet
Someone so kind. Maybe when I gave up on Love, Love chose me.

I think love metamorphosises
From romance to lust to care to
everything thereafter and in-between
His kindness makes me believe
No matter what I won't lose this smile
The happiness that our love brings
Shall only grow with time.

We race with the wind,
We walk hands in hands by the sea
We tease, we cook, we shop
We set up the house,
And together we weave the life we dream

I have been pushed down
And yet he chose to not give up on me
Through the hardest times
And toughest discussions
Above all he chooses what matters between us
I see it all and at the end of the day
I thank Krsna thank him for making me lucky..
Cz my babe's love and smile makes
every bit of my life worthwhile!

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