Dear Time,

These annivesary reactions are getting worst every year,
I am not sure what causing it,
Incidents or My Anxiety?
I remember suddenly about it when today morning my right hand was paining like a hell,
Because last year on this same day,I was slapping her continously till then she surrender herself completely.
I slapped and hitted her so bad that I had multiple injuries on my hand as well.
I can't trace my sins & situation handling, where I am stucked in between both,
It was a first anniversary reaction of this incident, as usual I was in a bad condition how all this trigggered and how it made me panick, breathless & horrid.
How do I say sorry to her? She is not with me anymore.
And all I remember about her reply to this...
"Once upon a time I gave you birth, I was mother.
And now you are doing my job unknowingly."

Yours Sincerely,
Grown Up Essence

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Dear Time,

An year is about to end, it's the last week of 11th month to this. I have prepared the home as it is she wanted last year, infact all the new things she bought and the way she wanted to keep all the stuff.
It feels the same how last year I was preparing for her last rituals, and yet again the environment is same. But in middle, how these months spent was so empty, blank and slow.
I wonder how you make the person feel at once like so sudden switch and slow as well at the same time. How should I express your beauty? which is soothing and disturbing both. I have no words to describe how I feel about it. I could not even trace how I crossed these days after days. How weird it is that it doesn't matter whether the home is empty or in chirpy environment. Because when something dies inside us, the world around us feels same in all condition.
I don't want to go through with all those sympathy sessions, but still I have to entertain all of it.
At last, it is my humble request to you. Please make your this version 2.0 (time) pass quickly. And let me go back to empty days.

Yours,
Grown Up Essence

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I am thankful to the world around me,
for not being cordial,
for keep reminding me, my scars
for releasing red flags, to keep myself apart from everyone,
I am thankful that no one knows the inner reality, as they only the incidents but not the details and emotions,
I am glad !
they don't know the power of my dressing sense, and how I manipulate things with this
I am relieved !
They don't understand how dominant my tangled hairs are, in addition they are in love with this and reacts awful against sleek chops and intagibility,
I am pleased !
They took me as a weak personality, and favour me their condolence that I don't need,
I am satisfied !
That I am able to continue this unknown personality diversions, and fooling the world around.
I love the world around me...

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Neither 5 years back, nor like a previous shell I want to be in,
Darkness is just sentiment statement of my adoption for new self version,
What if I want to be a complete black shaped shadow?
that too a atrocious one!
What if I make you shiver like you saw a demon, but instead you will see your own truth as a mirror in me?

What if you pluck out your eyes and still your drainy blood eyes could sence the hazardous of my presence?
What if the air around me would choke you till unconciousness or may be more than the effect of carbon monoxide?
Isn't it thrilling how your negativity can come back to you?
Isn't it scary if a person's incarnation in single life make you realise more than a Karma?

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An Army gentleman
with a stiff etiquette and tender voice touch,
Who swapped my perception,
towards some world belongings, being like a clam.

Meanwhile in middle of drinks,
He tried if I could spell out my emotions deep inside my heart,
qouted me perhaps I stay quite owing a fact.
I spoke a journal about me but stayed quite,
The focus was on silence where I said so much that I never said to anyone.
I had a calm smile on my face that he's not realising his victory!
Since I was doing all this, My personality was already spelled out.
What ever may be the reason is, probably his truth seeking nature or gardian affection,

In the middle of a drink, I met
An Army Gentleman,
with a stiff etiquette and tender voice touch,
Who swapped my perception,
towards some world belongings, being like a clam.

-

Last night I met Maa kali,
As it use to be,
I had a trepidation walking alone in dark,
Seems tough to deal with the suffocation of visible and invisible negative energies,
But till what?
As same as the demon this darkness is, the more you will cross, it will get worsen and even darker,
Could not sense whether it was a anger for battle or babble,
In a inaugural footsteps with englarged fire eyes,
Step by step towards the destination, no flashes no distraction.
A pure essence of her,
The way maa was in aggression to destroy everything where no one can hault, mould, or calm her.
And what happened at destination cannot be express nor seen, cause it's a mysterious sentiment.
Concluded A tail of black bright light against murky.

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I can feel the power of subconcious mind that triggers even faded and lost memories with small things.
Took astray footsteps, tardily felt jasmine around me and for a moment all live thought stopped.
I started looking around the area when I found myself surrounded in fresh fragrance of seasonal flowers and my all time favourite jasmine.
How weird this smell is, which made me feel fresh and horrid simultaneously, because these flowers represent me better in any way.
A small fruitful life blooms in rare condition and time, initially gets attention.
The journey begins from blooming and blemishing the world, play a role of indirect blessing, get plucked and hurted then at last to be crushed under feets.
Finally The realisation of October hits!

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हे कृष्ण!
एक धनुष बाण सा मेरे रूपांतर का सत्य है जो मैं तुम्हे एक आखिरी बार बताना चाहूंगी,
मेरा सादा और सर्द आचरण जिसे किसी परिंदे ने छू कर नर्म संगीत की धुन में बदल दिया,
आधुनिक संसार से परे एक बर्फ के टुकड़े के सामान हृदय को एक तरल नदी सा कर दिया,
मेरी कोमल और कच्ची मोती जैसी देह को किसी सीप की तरह समेट कर निखार सा दिया,

तुम जानते थे कि मैं शमा नहीं हूं जो मोम की भांति पिघल कर बिखर जाऊंगी,
इसलिए तुमने मुझ जैसी ठहरी और पुरानी झील को एक कभी न रुकने वाले झरने में बदल दिया,

मैं तुम्हे शुक्रिया के कह कर तुम्हारे स्नेह का अपमान नही करना चाहूंगी, बस इतना कहे देती हूं,
कि मैं सदैव तुम्हारे इस अनंत अनुराग की पूजा करूंगी, जिसमे राधा का प्रेम और मीरा की भक्ति एक हो कर तुम्हारे ईर्द गिर्द झूमेगी।

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In a deep grieve of jumble rules of,

Prove yourself even when you're the superior,
Fight against moronic ideas and to be fit in it,
Complexity of cerebral mastery is losing in front of camouflage culture,

A clean white spirit locked in unknown mock homage...

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ज़ख्म वोही है जो छुपाया जाए , खुले में तो सिर्फ नुमाइश होती है,
नमक की बात करें तो वो इंसान जिसने ज़ख्म दिखाने की ज़िद कर के सब खत्म कर दिया तमाशे में ।

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