The first time you told me you would be getting married soon, was during a lunch conversation in our canteen. I had met you just a few days back but I lost my appetite as I heard this.
It was weird, hearing you talk about marriage, it was painful beyond words because somehow that meant you living your life with someone you didn't love.
You mentioned it again after an year and I lost my sleep, probably because all I had dreamt for you was a fairy tale and this was a nightmare.
All along I just kept hoping you would say no, that you would come to your senses and see that she, whoever she was, was not the one you could be happy with.
And so when you told me you said yes, I could hardly breathe. I was numb and all I could think of was to ask you why? In that moment, my poker face wasn't good enough to hide my helplessness, the unshed tears and the rage inside me.
When people will read this, they'll think I lost someone I loved, but I know, you know better. Sometimes I think I am selfish, because I want that fairy tale for you, all I can hope now is that she does too..
I haven't slept for a week, my eyes are swollen, my throat is parched and my mind is numb.
Everything is blurred and I don't know what's the truth and what I imagined anymore.
But everytime I close my eyes, I see you coming back, hugging me like it will be the first and the last time we hug, and leaving in a frenzy I can't understand.
I rerun the scene in my mind a thousand times. But it is always the same, it always starts with you coming to me and ends with you leaving me confused.
I try to sleep and I picture you, looking at me like something was slipping away, something unspoken, something that was there only that night.
I wake up, and I picture you standing infront of me, and I wish I could explain to you what that hug meant to me.
I was half asleep, and you were drunk, and somehow you feel that it was a mistake, but how I wish you'd repeat that mistake everyday.
For when I was in your embrace, the world came to a standstill, the clock stopped ticking and I never felt safer in my entire life.
For when I hugged you back, all I could hear was your heart, beating against your chest, so fast that mine started rhyming with it.
I wish it had lasted longer. I wish you had stayed. I wish I hadn't woken up and it wasn't a dream.
Anucool Kapoor, sorry a little late to respond 🙈
For several years I have seen people come and go from my life, and for the major part of it, you were the only one who knew all about it.
All about how I felt about them, how I wish they stayed or how I wish I never saw them again.
For the major part of my life I had been searching for a friend, who knew exactly what I was thinking, who was there even if he was a thousand miles away and who made my whole life complete.
People have best friends, for me that was you.
And now you're gone, but I don't think you understand that either.
Now as I lie in my bed crying my heart out, I feel afraid. For the first time, these streets seem lonely, the world seems too big a place and this city is a giant cage which I now want to escape.
Now, I can't dial your number fearing you won't pick up and now talking to you seems like an exam which I am bound to fail.
This hurts more than when I broke up with my boyfriend or when that colleague in my office was being a jerk, this hurts more than all the fights I have had with all my friends, all my life, this hurts me more than those bruised knees and broken toys.
This tells me that I need to grow up, to understand that it's not always going to be love which breaks me into pieces, sometimes it will be you..
I try to sleep, but can't. Too many memories. Too many emotions. It has just been two days but it feels like months, years, centuries.
I check my phone again. No message. No call. Ofcourse there won't be. But I hope. Who said optimism was good. It was ruining my sleep, my sanity.
Turn and sleep, I say to myself, as if it was that easy.
I pick up my phone, just 1 message, no, what's the point, there won't be any reply. And then I will cry myself to sleep.
Leave it. If he doesn't care, i don't want to talk to him. But I do. I do.
Turn again. God, I need to go to office tomorrow and it's 3 am, let me sleep.
Ok. I am almost asleep. Good.
But check the phone again. Maybe. Shut up. Now I am wide awake. What the hell. No message. No call.
Can I sleep now? No, I hate him. A lot. How could he?
Delete his number. Done. Peace. Now he can go to hell and I can go to sleep.
Other emotions for another night...
Anucool Kapoor you always make me realise that I should lift up my pen again 😊😊