I had cried for days after I came here. But with time, I convinced myself to accept that my shattered dream got replaced with a reality I could somehow live with. It always happens with me. I have to let go things I desparately wanted. Today when the notice came out for sending us back home, suddenly something struck me again. Although I will miss this place, its ambiance and a handful of people I consider friends, yet I am happy to do away with every assigned things and start looking for a new journey. But then I again fall into a trance thinking of this 'beginning'. Will this beginning be something I'm looking forward to? Or will it be just another failed attempt? I know it's better not to have much expectations but something within me always wants to stay positive. I'm quite happy with my life but that one thing I couldn't get always makes me sceptical towards the future.
Somewhere I fail to assert myself, my right to take a decision.
I have never lived, I just exist!!
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They constantly try to pluck me out, shove me to some meaner place out of sight. I'm coarse, I'm shabby, without a sense of propriety. Cuddling up wherever I find a place suitable for my existence, I invade the space of superior beings. You look at me with disgust in you eyes and say, "Move on, it's not your place". Where should I go when I have no home to welcome me. Everyone finds me alien and a threat to their existence. As I grow you see a demon growing within me, trying to destroy you. Yes I'm a demon, I destroy you but do I have a choice? Can I choose to live and flourish freely? I have always wandered, surviving hardly for a brief period of time. Unlike me, you are loved. Your existence finds a meaning when you bloom and spread the fragrance all around. I serve no purpose, I'm a burden creating chaos and imbalance. So they come and rip me off from the core. I feel the pain when they tear me apart, I cry, I scream but as usual they go unheard. I belong not to this place or any other.
But you know, I am a weed and I will resurrect, though not here but some other place.-
Hearing the cries of a baby, she ran towards the spot. By the street, there lied a girl just born. Oh! how she pitied the abandoned child but also glistened with joy seeing it.
The Sun was about to rise. It was the dawn of a new day and indeed a new life for both the girl and the transgender.-
A letter to my old self,
Hello, you there? I would like to see you once in a while to be assured of your existence. You seem to be hidden beneath the layers of soil waiting to be dug out. You were like the sunshine, spreading glows of laughter and now cast aside by the dark looming clouds. Persephone wandering around in bright dresses, collecting happiness throughout the way, I don't hear your songs any longer. Now turned sullen and grey, you look a different person altogether. Ohh! How you used to bloom in their company dissipating the fragrance of joy. The passing time has taken a toll on you and now you lie withered surrounded by dullness. No longer pleasant, you are just swept away by the blowing winds. Had you ever thought, that spring would soon give way to autumn and you would be abandoned forever?-
which is quite unnoticed, overshadowed by other sweet smelling flowers.
But you are the same flower which gives the message that life is not only in being approved by everyone but having an existence of your own quite unhindered by others.-
'Solitude', a word indispensable from my thoughts and a moment I love to call my own. I'm suited to silence and not to the company of people. Although I have always tried to change myself, to get accustomed to gatherings but I fail severely. It's just that I don't belong to the social sphere, and neither does it belong to me. I still get lost amidst all those familiar faces. I have no answer to their query on why I'm always silent. I would rather stay in a cocoon forever than to be a butterfly and fly on. Each day is a challenge to me, I have to wake up with the fear of being hit by the sharp calling of my name or being blown over by some loud noises. I wish to go and hide in my shell, unseen and unheard by anyone around.
During the past few days, I have enjoyed my moments of liveliness, I'm much alive than I used to be. I'm my own self, the true unpretentious self. So finally I got to sneak into the road less travelled by and it has made a great difference to me.-
With those lights off, with the faint visibility of us being next to each other, I want to make love to you. No, I don't just want to make love to you but I want to love you. I want to strip myself of every feeling I have for you and lay them bare before you. With no artifice or ornamentation, I desire to present to you 'me', my true self. Words are always insufficient to convey a feeling, as they say the truth lies in things being unsaid. So I will not bore you with words but let you feel the tenderness in my eyes while looking at you. I will let you feel the warmth in my voice while speaking to you. The connection we have formed since the past months would not let me think you as a different being. You are 'we' and I don't even want myself to be considered as a separate entity. For my entire life I want to be tied to you and only you.
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The strong vibes I get by just hearing your name, the passion of love and my urge to get enclosed within you, an irresistible want to get back to you and my teary eyes when I realise you were a beautiful past and I could not have you for the whole life....I have felt this kind of love, something which I can never express enough in words.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Yes, it's my love for JNV.
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Cool wind blowing through your hair,
Rain splashing its drops on your face,
And a cup of coffee to keep you warm.
Doesn't this sound a perfect evening?
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