ग़ैर ही अक्सर हाल चाल पूछा करते है
जनाब
अपनो के तो अपने ही बहुत है !

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Why it is always then that i m being abandoned whenever i need someone the most...

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And I m loosing...not from anyone but from myself...It's said that "The wrost part about self destruction is that you are fully aware of it but there is nothing you can do to stop it..." I don't want things to happen this way...but there is no way I can opt to make everything right...I m feeling helpless...People often tend to comfort themselves by putting the blame on others but what should I do... because in my case I know the fault is mine...and there is nothing I can do...I can't even breathe...neither I can share what I m going through right now because I m not born this way...i lie to keep my things to myself only...but I m feeling suffocated now....and this is not the first time I m feeling this way...I feel like this once in a while every year...if the thing is about other person we can even ask for help...but this time it is all about me...whom should I ask for help (even I can't help myself...) I need help!

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I know it's been years but those memories still haunts me...
Those nights of sleeplessness still roams around in my dreams...
Those questions whether we will be alive or not the next day still stuck in my mind...➡️

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And they have turned me into a different type of person...the quiet person...who can't talk to someone properly...who don't feel comfortable around a lot of people...but people considered it as my attitude... but the fact is that *I m not afraid of being with people*
*Instead I m afraid of being abandoned*...I m continously trying to be a better person...but people don't keep that much patience and leave me alone deepening my wounds even more...Every year i have a hope that this year maybe something good will happen but I always ended up in despair...and now this loneliness( because I have no one by myside...not even siblings...I even don't know about my relatives nor they do) killing me day and night...and I don't know what should I do and what I should not...and *I guess I can't forget those bad memories until and unless I have some good ones...*

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It was my 8th bday ,
A sunny day with cool breeze blowing amd everything seems to be so perfect...I was on cloud nine...I invited all my friends to home for a party...but there is a saying if you get too excited for something then you have to pay for it...and I never knew that I have to pay up my entire childhood for that...And then in the evening I started having a bad feeling as my uncle shouts at my grandma...and in the night my uncle threat us and fires a shot and in order to save ourselves we have to run off from our very own house in the middle of night.We were wandering here and there for a shelter and at last we found one...and then we spent some days there...but when we returned home after 1-2 months then my uncle again threat us and for the sake of me my parents left that house forever...and after that we haven't looked back to that house and those people ever...but those memories are always there in my heart haunting me day and night...(Maybe this is also one of the reasons why I hate the day I was born...). ➡️

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And the fact is that
we can't forget the bad memories
untill and unless
we have some good ones...

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And one day
I want to disappear
Just to see
who
really cares...

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कैसे कह दूं कि तुम्हारी परवाह नहीं मुझे... कैसे कह दूं कि तुम्हारी याद नहीं आती...कैसे कह दूं कि मुझे तुमसे प्यार नहीं...तुम दूर हो मुझसे पर मैं तुमसे कहां...चलो बताता हूं कैसे...मेरे फोन में बस तुम ही तो रहती हो...और मेरे दिल में तो पूरी की पूरी तुम्हारी ही हुकूमत है...हर हंसता हुआ चेहरा तुम्हारा सा लगता है और मेरे हर अल्फ़ाज़ पर भी तो बस तुम्हारा ही पहरा है...माना कि बात नहीं होती हमारी आजकल कुछ खास आपस में...पर मैं और मेरी कलम तो अक्सर बस तुम्हे ही लिखते है...आजकल चुप रहता हूं थोड़ा क्यूंकि डरता हूं कहीं कुछ बोलकर खो ना दूं तुम्हे...आखिर कैसे दूं कि मुझे तुम्हारा इंतज़ार नहीं और तुम मेरी जान नहीं...
तुम्हारे मिलने की आस में...
तुम्हारा दोस्त ❤️

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Be patient with me...
I agree that I m noob but I m learning...So, please be patient and don't give up on me...I agree that I disappoints sometimes but that doesn't mean I can't be better so please don't leave and be patient with me...I know i m not perfect but no one is...Instead of criticising me be my teacher and let us grow together...Shaping you and me into better we...☺️

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